Put this into perspective.

It's the coldest hand against my throat, and I just can't breathe enough to let out anything worth living through. I remember so much, and for some odd reason in an instant I can cease to feel it anymore and believe things are different. But there's a point where I have to think it all through, examine what every part of me is experiencing..and realize there is a plot behind it all..one I have not created...but one I am a part of.
I felt for some time I was standing in the midst of this and just understanding it for myself. At this point after so much and so many times, I didn't think there'd be any left to stand by and tell me they had my back. You can watch from a distance and come after. But no one's going to hit me like that anymore, no one's going to get so close to destroy any part of my life. But there's a glimpse of another attempt..and I'm just not sure why. There were such brutally honest words proceeding from the lips of one....admitting all the intention behind the action....and after such...how can anything ever be reinvented?
The weirdest thing is when you begin to read through a situation and make an assessment of what is truly going on. You start to see something that is rather unfortunate and there's a bit of heart left in you, telling you no that can't possibly be. But a few occurrences later your heart may be soft, but you are in fact seeing just how possible it is. No one wants that pain, or to say that's part of their story- but it's realistically part of so many people's.

I just can't finish this now.

Here is my heart

Here is my heart
Here is my heart
You can have it all.
----------------------------------
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. -Song of Solomon 8:6-7 NIV

i LOVE

the sound of rain
the way street lights look at night
how the streets reflect the lights at night when there's rain everywhere
& driving. driving, drivingggggggg.

you'll do just fine.

it all happens so fast
you thought, you tried, you encountered
it was broken at the moment's last
and then again you have stopped yourself
but no one looks at what you've caught
everyone's searching for that one thing
you said you forgot
and all the while it was ringing in your heart
a resounding and brilliantly loud
sound of compassionate belonging
the essence of the reason behind
all that makes you fall apart
to your heart and mind
but when they look at you
this is not what they find
sick to your stomach
alive in your words
there's nothing quite enough for you to be proud
there's nothing quite enough for you to be ashamed
hurting, striving, searching
but it's going to be on this day
this time where you are broken
and ill-fated words are the only ones spoken
you have to face it
it's the only sound to be heard
the song of repentance
has not drifted away
you've realized how much you felt blamed
but you were so quick to catch it as it came your way
the words floating off of one's mouth with ease
and it's that one thing...you never expected
and this time you have closure
this time you see your innocence
this time you say it is in fact over
and someone stands there to draw the line

think about it.

Pastor Natalie asked the intern girls a great question today: "what do you want to be remembered [known] for?"

This is what I said.
1. As someone who truly has placed God as the focus of their life & loves Him with a whole heart
2. Someone who would give anything, count any cost, be selfless, lay down my life for God. Nothing's too much, too important, too valuable.

"This is the assigned moment for Him to move into
the center, while I slip off to the sidelines."
-John 3:30

see

Acts 9:18-19 Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, and after taking some food, he regained his strength.

revolutionize -verb; effect a radical change in, to fill with revolutionary purposes.

C L A R I T Y
& it's changing, strengthening, and transforming my life.

"I

saved this seat for you"



It's always so cold these days.

70 times 7

received an apology for a stab in the back.
& then some.----------------------i had not expected this, as the two of us had conversation over dinner. there's so much that had happened...so much I had come to terms with through blood, tears, and pain. Coping is a method of the useless kind, getting by is only temporary, and resolving is the hardest to fathom, but healing- healing is key.

May my vindication come from You;
may Your eyes see what is right.
-Psalm 17:2

that day last week, i keep thinking about, and the few other occasions with others like this.

After undergoing a series of betrayal or abuse without someone telling you it wasn't your fault, it's natural that you begin to believe it was. The truth of the situation, the truth of the matter gets so beaten and worn down because you're exhausted and the last thing you want to do is fight after being fought. I just chose through these ordeals to cling to God, to claim Him as my vindication. I had not expected Him to ever bring some of these people to humble themselves to me.

It's funny the way God shows you that your healing is not yet done. And when He brings it into completion, you're kinda just in shock. There's more to come, there's a deeper pouring out of His love.

the craziest thing.

is a revelation that keeps unfolding.

Sleepless with a smile.

"Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again, I'll probably always feel this way"

The reverse. The feeling that just when you've come to terms- such have disintegrated--and once again it's time to define. I'm not sure exactly what terms I could come close to relating to in a way valuable to me. It's interesting upon discovery, that you realize there's still more, there's still something untouched. I don't know. The hardest thing to explain most often is in fact yourself and the way you feel. Even trying to explain to yourself is a task. But for what it's worth I love a good challenge.

on life's timeline...history so far past

It can['t] be. It's almost "safe" to say it won't be. Brushed up against this frame of time. And all the while it's like I'm breathing this fresh air for the first time. It used to dawn on me in such a chilling way-- the impact of pain this caused me.
Ages ago....I was telling this story with an upset stomach to someone close and dear. She told me oh no, this was not your fault. There is a release in vulnerability. What makes no sense at all sometimes is after betrayal there can still be a sensitivity & compassion towards that person. But also it makes perfect sense. But this ribbon tied between the two, I've cut the scarlet bow. Today I cringed at flashbacks. Today I smiled at hope. These things I speak of, these things are fleeting. These things have no harmony, they just speak out monotonous and resounding nothingness. Sometimes I think you can think you've caught on to what's being said..but really you are clueless. It's like that bit of anticipation acquainted with nerves on the fritz when you overhear bits and pieces of a dialogue and believe the said subject is indeed you.
I had to realize or at least accept that this familiarity in the breeze would be a constant. Will be a constant. And it's not like I have to praise it's every entrance. You just keep moving. You just keep going.

"slow down you crazy child take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright you can afford to miss a day or two"

You can live with. You can endure. But you can also experience the freedom. You can see it all go away. Our God's not a band-aid God. He's going to cut you open for the surgery, stitch ya closed. And help you through the recovery until you walk into full health.

watch it correlate to past and present....if not...but so. again you can't be confident they are indeed talking about you.

I was slouching over the counter taking a slow yet necessary breath. Not really looking for much. A friend had tried to shove me in a room moments before, thought'd it would be funny to place me where the nonsense was taking place. Little did friend know it would have bruised me badly if I had walked in. Something stopped me and it was explained to me afterward what was behind the door. But what was behind made way to me- in another room, slouching on the counter. I couldn't close my eyes. And casually I remained composed...all the while thinking why is this taking place. Has integrity been forgotten. Hasn't the damage been done and been made apparent in these eyes? My tears aren't sparkling glimmers of a beautiful something. I wouldn't even come close to that description. I remember the night under the black sky. "Don't cry, please don't cry. Now I feel like......" How can you do what you do and not let one grieve? I believe it's a mandatory part of recatching your breath. If composure was lost I'm sorry. But I left perfection at the door a long time ago when I became friends with reality. Another envelope.

humorous in the end

What an interesting day it's been.
Missed both Sunday services cause I couldn't get out of bed.
Near death experience with Pastor Natalie.

Another health episode, had to have Dillon get me from the media booth.
&&&& I still want to watch this.

of course we've all seen the sun.

"I never could explain why I keep coming back... From brilliant lights to a subtle dim; from open fields to walls that are caving in... I don't want to
leave, but I should go."
an excerpt of most recent
One thing that can consume a moment and then buy out a period of time.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." -voice one.

Do you know I never knew it'd be this way. Of course no one can predict the way life will be. You may have your presumptions and preconceived notions, but I'm willing to bet you wouldn't bet too much that you're dead on correct.

"How are you doing?" -voice two.

It seems as if the roles reversed. I would not expect. As the dog turns back to his vomit...I'm seeing this whole broken record formula at the cost of my own betrayal. If you must do this, do it elsewhere and leave me be. My face was stained black and my eyes were stinging from it. My hands couldn't really stretch out far enough, and I trembled with each passing tear.

"Saw you crying tonight it was really intense". -voice three.
But it was lifted. And there was that sense of unwavering hope. Have you ever felt that? In the midst of your deepest pain, your hardest betrayal, your worst persecution...the hope of your calling, and excitement for something better shines the light straight through you and all you can do is pick yourself up and start to run.

And so I'm writing out the stories of these different time periods in my life. For intern's Counseling 101 class....

cool.

jesusbranded.com has some interesting art work. :]

fire fall down.

There's so much I want to say.
What a life it is that I live.

There's been some traumatic events, some healing moments, and some absolute breakthrough and answer to prayer. I am so thankful to God and His undying faithfulness to my life. A lot has happened since interns started. God explained to me during my first year of interns that He would begin taking me through the fire and that He would bring me out into the rich fulfillment. I never knew, or fathomed such a season of fire and how painful, beautiful, and refining it would be. And the rich fulfillment is coming into view...my life yielding the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

God wants us broken. And when we aren't He'll break us or allow something to break us. For what purpose? To become more whole than you were ever able to be before. Call me crazy but it's one of my favorite things, to be broken down, to count it all joy in various trials--to truly be strengthened by what is so truthfully and dis-eloquently put: not easy.

1. A month ago I was taken advantage of in a way that tears at my heart and spirit. 2. A couple weeks ago I put my foot down at a violent rage of verbal abuse and left my house for good. 3. Everything has been going under more and more fire in ways I had not suspected. BUT all in all I've been trusting in God more than ever and crying out to Him.

I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. -Philippians 4:12-13 MSG

After five years of enduring some of the most painful situations at home God turned something traumatic around to open the doors to something peacefully right for me. And the other events besides at home [[like 1]] sure did a toll on my heart and I was angry and confused and to the point of tears left and right, and now I'm watching restoration gracefully wind it's way through the situations. Satan or anyone for that matter can steal anything they want from you physically, naturally, emotionally...but they can't ever take away your HOPE, FAITH, or CALLING.

I've been talking a lot with God these days. Genuine and heartfelt conversations with the one who loves me most. And He's been revealing to me myself the way He sees me. He's been explaining every part of the path my feet have stepped on. He's been showing me His ways and clarifying His whispers through the words of others around me. And I'm experiencing this abundance of life in the midst of death, loss, persecution, and brokenness. And a freedom that enables me to press in so hard to the kingdom of God, because you know, the violent take it by force :].


From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. -NIV
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force. -NASB
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. -NKJV

the bigger picture.

Trauma for me, so often was unspoken, bottled up and sent out on the sea of my past. I was aware as I walked upon the beach those bottles would somehow find their way to cross my path once again. Opening up these glass bottles with old and simple notebook paper.... who knew could hurt more than anything. Funny thing.... Pastor Ted used that same analogy yesterday in a message.... &&& the feeling of being numb was beginning to diminish.

Dr. Ted Roberts: "I want you to use the hand you don't normally use to draw a picture of the worst memory of your childhood" The purpose...to access the limbic system...and find yourself one step closer to a true healing. "and then tell someone that story, let them pray for you". WOW.

So much of my life was pain, hurt, and betrayal, hell on earth. So much I acknowledged with partiality and chose to run hard and fast and move on. I've been thinking about that old garment Jesus spoke of, and how it would surely rip if we placed a new piece of cloth on it to cover a hole. Healing means something so much more. Retracing my brokenness and working through it looks completely different than I thought. God started speaking to me a lot this summer about certain things in my life and how they were a result of certain things done to me...and really I wasn't sure how to resolve what tore me down...but I kept going to God in prayer, listening to His voice. It's interesting we had this healing conference....I thought it would be completely different...but it's sole intention was to access the deepest parts of who you are. I had no clue what God has in store for me this weekend. You can be happy, you can be strong, you can be walking in God's will.....and still not be whole. I always viewed my past and simply that...passed...I passed it by and kept going. Sure I took so much of it to prayer and spoke the word over myself and felt a freedom....but it's still there. Just like a book just because you read the first 100 pages and keep going, doesn't mean those words magically disappear or lose their impact....and as your sitting there reading and the wind blows...and the pages somehow fly back and you re read those lines that choked you up... maybe it doesn't hit so hard at first...but oh you'll feel something.
Things I haven't thought of for years came back to me. But I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry. I could feel the perfect peace of Jesus, His arms around me.... and it didn't really matter what had happened. The envelope.....the truck.....the angry shouts.....the crying my self to sleep....those two years where I hadn't seen a certain face..... the stash of an unsuccessful remedy at the side of my bed..... the words "what reason would I ever have to believe in you"...... the phone call from the police.....the many many things that could take days and months to speak of.... a motion picture of small and big events....18 years in the making.

& Freedom. Beautifully untainted, openly given to me.
At surrender of my own battlegrounds, He took me to His dwelling place.

I love God so much. It's crazy how you can feel free and alive and whole, and then God shows you how to become that even more so. There is no shame in a transparency of your own testimony. You cannot despise the fact that you had to live your life outside of a sheltered box. You can love the fact that God turned it all around for good... and there was a divine purpose in what you went through. You can find hope in the fact that someone else will be able to be delivered by just hearing you tell of your own liberation. They overcame by the word of THEIR testimony. That wasn't written in the Bible to make you feel bad.

A new perspective. A new understanding. Anddddd once more........... I opened my eyes and felt life ALL OVER AGAIN.

the locket.

this undefined perspective.
i searched for hours. days. weeks.




.



and only an envelope holds the answers i know of. and thinly printed pages binded together with thousands of words filled with life...slowly show me what those things scrawled accross scraps and stuffed into the white envelope truly mean.

for some reason....i began to write a letter even. the things i knew to say and couldn't when i froze up and my head was spinning and my heart was deciding how to beat..... i found them flowing from the tip of a pen better than my own lips.



im observant.
im taking it all in.
im hearing.
im interpreting.
im R E S P o N D I N G.



i want to define it.
someday soon.

a work of God.

"who do I have in heaven but You, who do I have in earth but You, and then it becomes a work of God in our own minds and our own hearts"

some

SERIOUS tugging at the heartstrings.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

i think there's a pattern.

i think there's a not so convenient understanding.

i think there's an underestimated outcome.

i think there's going to be something bigger than expected.

i think there's going to be a lot of exploration

i think there's going to be more tears

i think there's going to be more genuine smiles and laughter

i think there's going to be a change in me I never believed could happen

i think there's something beautiful about breaking

i think there's something wonderful about healing

i think there's a lot I just don't get but I'm opening my eyes a little wider each day.

spinning round and round in circles, remembering, feeling, hiding, opening up, letting go, pulling closer, wondering, dreaming, praying, crying out, surrender, holding on, and just and just everything.

I trust You will hold me as hell breaks loose

Psalm 27 (The Message)

Psalm 27

A David Psalm

¹ Light, space, zest— that's God!
So, with him on my side I'm fearless,
afraid of no one and nothing.

² When vandal hordes ride down
ready to eat me alive,
Those bullies and toughs
fall flat on their faces.

³ When besieged,
I'm calm as a baby.
When all hell breaks loose,
I'm collected and cool.

⁴ I'm asking God for one thing,
only one thing:
To live with him in his house
my whole life long.
I'll contemplate his beauty;
I'll study at his feet.

⁵ That's the only quiet, secure place
in a noisy world,
The perfect getaway,
far from the buzz of traffic.

⁶ God holds me head and shoulders
above all who try to pull me down.
I'm headed for his place to offer anthems
that will raise the roof!
Already I'm singing God-songs;
I'm making music to God.

^7-9 Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs:
"Be good to me! Answer me!"
When my heart whispered, "Seek God,"
my whole being replied,
"I'm seeking him!"
Don't hide from me now!

^9-10 You've always been right there for me;
don't turn your back on me now.
Don't throw me out, don't abandon me;
you've always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
but God took me in.

^11-12 Point me down your highway, God;
direct me along a well-lighted street;
show my enemies whose side you're on.
Don't throw me to the dogs,
those liars who are out to get me,
filling the air with their threats.

^13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.

bloody and beautiful

I LOVE the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications.Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live. -Psalm 116:1-2 AMPLIFIED

You know what's funny when you go through such an intense season and God starts to speak to you about the next...and you start to feel the transition into the new season. And then the intensity of that season suddenly socks you in the gut with everything it has....all over again? [[[[I guess it just has to go out with a bang....quite literally. ]]]] Ahahah I love it, that was this week. The explosion of righteous indignation: Coughed up a lot of spiritual blood, cried my eyes out, freaking lost my cool and wanted to murder the devil so bad for putting up such a fight against me, but you know what I totally count it all jOy.
One of my mentors told me this so many times and I really love it "things will get worse before they get better".... I truly believe it....I think when you're facing so much resistance, attack, and everything seems to fall through....it's a big neon sign saying hey you're going in the right direction. Satan doesn't want you to have it all...he doesn't want you to be in the perfect will of God, he gags at the thought of you inheriting the blessings of God. So much righteous indignation sprung up from this particular occasion of the getting worse this time... & I really feel like walls were knocked down in the spiritual realm this week/weekend. It's always going to hold true that what the enemy meant for evil God turns around for good. He can't ever win, he won't ever win. What a summer it's been. But this was the week I'll probably never ever forget.
I love God so much and I love that He loves me enough to allow me to be strengthened. I am living in His dream for my life...and more and more the vision is set beautifully before me. Sometimes it takes a lot of blood---taking up your cross daily is radically redefined in my mind. Hope, hope, HOpe! I will always have hOpe in God;;;; and I have NEVER and will never say contrary to such. God spoke this to me tonight: "the unstoppable life planned for you".... think about it. UNSTOPPABLE.

Romans 10:14-15

When someone who does not live for God looks at a paper of your dreams and says it's beautiful, tells you that your diligence amazes them, and that they are blown away by what you've accomplished- it's somehow a blessing of shocking proportions.
I think it's an amazing source of affirmation that you have lived by what you've said, your integrity has not burnt up in falsehood, that you indeed are light to the world and a genuine hOpe to those who see it.

Thank you, for saying what you said.
And thank you for letting me be a part of your life.
<3

Be who God created you to be through and through, [and] thRivE. LIVE YOUR LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT THOSE WHO ARE SEARCHING WILL FIND REASON TO TURN ONTO THE PATH YOUR FEET ARE SET UPON. -----------------------------------

I just can't sleep and the thoughts are exploding.

disclosure: The point of this is not a person...other than of course myself.... despite references and choice of wording.... this is however thought mixed with inspiration.... and well I dont expect it to make a whole lot of sense to anyone. And not positive even a disclosure could help you understand that.

---------------

Almost to the point of tears, throughout the evening I wanted to make that claim. Tears swell, and then a few moments later my heart has talked me into laughter. The one thing I thought wouldn't even happen, did, it must have been hours, and days upon days. But something, in the midst of restlessness even allowed me to stop keeping count. And there's something burning on the inside of me. I'm not sure what's going to happen and exactly where I'm going to stand weeks from now. But the vision remains in front of my eyes...of this young woman with my name. It's the mirror, but with a future reflection. I know her somehow, and she remembers me. And I've been walking this whole time, one foot, the next foot, step by step, at the pace of revelation.

I've never wanted anyone aside from Jesus to get on their knees next to me as I figured everything out until I'm blue in the face from screaming. I haven't desired that depth of companionship. But more and more I'm seeing---I just want someone to truly ask me.... how I am. But that will not be the sustenance to which I am satisfied. God alone, in God alone. And where I have never spoken, I am going to speak. None of this ambition is inspired by fear, I have been true friends with faith through thick and thin.
God told me to do some very SPECIFIC things with my life this year. And I most certainly proceeded to do them. Little did I know everything would be flipped upside down, persecution would thrash against me like a bunch of jagged thorns, every feeling from the spectrum of death to life has probably had it's share in me over the course of this year. And my dear friends, I have never once claimed perfection....so excuse my honesty if you must...but I prefer you take it all.

I’ve waited for your every word today. But what could it matter to me? Courtesy reflects the trash in your pocket, a small forgettable. I would say to you from honest lips, what I could give. Taken lightly, is how I have received the way you took. We will learn, at least from the perspective I’ve attained--- that a word’s integrity depends solely on it’s corresponding actions. Don’t we all know this, it’s rather elementary. I keep hearing several words entwined around a moving picture…I believe they refer to this as a memory. And sure as anything it was all a moment of honesty. And I just ache to see it’s falsehood now.
I waited for the answer [lately]. I longed for some discernment into chaotic fragments of the whole falling all around me. Your heart can settle in remedies…but then time reminds you of the requirements of true healing. I will not speak of what I do not know. And what I do not know I will not stop pondering. What balance will I find? The pendulum swings back and forth, in a deadly pace. You might not want to stand in between this. God, He laughs, like the Father He is it’s not such a risk to intervene. You protect me when I’m shoving myself under my own burdens. And it’s as if I see this so many different ways. Understanding falling and rising, by point of view. I know I have taken the necessary path to gain a right standing in all of this, and it’s only fair to provide the benefit of the doubt for the other members of this party. It’s what I know is true, and what I do not know, and what hurt comes from experiencing what I’ve taken away from myself. I’ve placed so much in a single envelope, sloppy writing- the proof of anxiety. I’ve torn to pieces what I couldn’t stand to possess any longer. And then I find myself in front of this (or that) once insignificant place, now a monument to replaying vividly something inside my heart. And one thing, is breaking my insides to pieces. It all revolves around this frail honesty, that lacked something substantial. I am not sure what this means to me. And in so many ways I hate to let it mean anything. It’s always been a strength of mine, to end when I say stop, and to let go when I commanded. And now as I speak these things---- it seems an echo of it all comes thrashing through my ear drums in the middle of peace; to start a beginning in the midst of a conclusion. It does not shake what good has been done. It has not succeeded to eliminate progress. It has only asked me to learn more, to dig deeper, to find something else. What will I discover from this, what purpose will it serve me? In the end I have discovered one thing, the human heart is not at all what you think it is. Left to your own interpretation or not, I will claim there is fruit from this field of countless seeds.

living in God's reality.

"Oh there's a hope in you...such a hope, and you are called to bring that hope to many people"

------------I believe it.--------------

What a beautiful week. With 150 young people finding themselves at the feet of our Jesus. He spoke, He revealed, He healed, He transformed my life. My 4th GC Camp, and it was rad! And to think I KNOW if I would have resisted coming to camp the first time 3 years ago, I might not even be alive to sit here and type this. It's such a thrilling thing, to escape the world and find yourself alone with God. All the stuff God did in my life and spoke to me this year, was refined and clarified. And even more so, what a privilege to be able to show God my love for Him 4 days straight!

I don't really have the words to say.....but I am ready to live life in a new way. And I am ready to reach out to people like never before.

Lamentations 2:19 NLT
Rise during the night and cry out.
Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him in prayer,
pleading for your children,
for in every street
they are faint with hunger.

NKJV
Arise, cry out in the night,
At the beginning of the watches;
Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord.
Lift your hands toward Him
For the life of your young children,
Who faint from hunger at the head of every street.

I will always love You.

It blows my mind the way God will speak something to me, and then He'll confirm it in the most amazing ways.

I've been so desperate lately, desperate for the presence of God. It's funny things I've said in the quiet of my prayer closet, just got prayed over me the other day. It's exciting that a revelation God gave me just spilled out in the preaching of someone else's sermon, and not just that it all aligned with the word God gave me about this season of my life. It's beautiful that this joy I have is unshakable, unbreakable, and unfathomably genuine. I love where I am at this point in my life, I would have it no different.

All the things you want to know
All the things you want to see
He is everything
He is everything

He is doing so much in me. I am so refreshed in the hope of my calling, the hope of Christ in me, in the understanding that this hope will not disappoint. I guess you can say, He showed me life through HOPE....and it's never ceased to be such a huge factor in my life, and in defining who I am. Seeing this hope transform into something tangible, is all the more breath taking. So many things I've held close, prayed, prayed, and prayed about.....are finally coming into view. My hands are not empty, my heart is not lacking, my mind is not confused, my spirit is not weighed down, this is what they meant "the rich and satisfying life/life and life more abundantly". And I feel more free than I knew was possible. It's crazy that just when you think you've come to a point you could be satisfied with...God reminds you He's got an unending amount of blessings He wants to pour into your life. And I'm so inspired to truly do all that I can with my life. There's so many things I can do....and I will not be the one to say I wasted my time or doubted I could achieve something! With God nothing will be impossible! I LOVE LIFE WITH GOD, HOW COULD YOU NOT?!

not a close second You're right on.

Wide awake to the goodness of God.

Ah, my life is changing so much. And I love every second of it. Sometimes the unexpected is exactly what you need to pull you up to the place you need to be. And that's beautiful. So beautiful, the perfect display of art to hang on every wall.
I've been praying so much, and well just talking to God, talking, talking, TALKING. I find myself walking around and just talking..... it starts this simple prayer, and then an explosion of conversation if that's even the way to put it. I've turned the page to a side of God I've never read or seen before. The pictures are more lively and exciting than I'd ever of expected. My whole focus is being shifted, in a way that's too exciting to reveal to the world just yet. And so much vision, so much passion, so much joy for everything. I LOVE MY LIFE! & more than ever, MORE THAN BEFORE I am so stoked to fulfill God's will, to pour my life out as an offering to God, the church, my disciples, the world around me. I want to be all that God has created me to be, and every breath inside of me I want to use it for God.

[[[[[[& cHaNGE in YOU leads to chanGe in others]]]]

I was talking to this guy today that I randomly met a few months back. And really honestly I've never thought much of anything.....even to share the love of Christ to him... but then tonight something welled up in my heart. It started simple enough. Hellos and how are you's. And then after a bit I was compelled to ask him if I could ask him to answer some questions honestly about what he perceived his relationship with God to be, and involvement with church, etc. Breaking down the barrier of the cliche you should come to church here's my shiny everything's going to be okay invitation. And then I told him how I honestly believed God wanted to show Himself to him in a tangible way that would change the way he answered those questions. I don't know why I'm even saying this....but it just got me thinking about stuff even more. I've been thinking so much lately. And I said something about him just believing God would reveal something deeper than the strand of hope he grasped (he kept telling me of the hope....the hope he held onto), and something simple he said along the lines of...."God brought you to ask me these things.........I know it's all going to work out".

In this season of my life where God is doing so much in me, I really want to use my life to reach the lost. I started off wanting to say something completely different.....! But this is good for now :]

NEVER NEVER NEVER

Don't ever take for granted hearing from the Holy Spirit. Never desire the voice or wisdom of man over the beautiful and perfect words of Him who knows you best.

"...that your faith should not be in the wIsDoM of men but in the POWER OF GOD."
-1 Corinthians 2:5

Cling to God in confusion, hold fast to His word in doubt or discouragement, never let go when you feel like your screwing up, and when it makes no sense ask Him to teach you what true trust is. Work yourself out in the presence of God; because He has no insecurities, burdens, bondages....a crystal clear past, present, and future and strength to hold you when _________. He is what you need Him to be, and what you don't know you need. He's all the good that you've heard on Sundays at church, He's all the words you read in that Bible of yours, but there's so much more. And with a still small voice, He'll begin to reveal just what you need, just when you need, and you'll be complete.

Romance?

Do you ever get so caught up in the things you do as a Christian that they easily define your relationship with God? Do you find yourself not being fed from these things you have, the sermons don't come alive to you anymore? You've got condemnation for not praying as long as you probably should? You got a couple weeks off track in your Bible plan? You find yourself trying to sneak out before someone asks you to help clean up the church? You cringe at the thought of being asked to lead out in prayer, or step up and lead for the group?

I was just thinking about how easily we get caught up in these things, and even the trap of pleasing man. It's like deception. The thing about deception is....you don't know you are being deceived. And sometimes when your walk with God is so frustrating because you don't realize that in some form or another you've been going through all the motions to please the pastors, your leaders, to seem like the anointed one.... or because you know those are things you are supposed to be doing. But here's something important. Have you ever experienced a true intimacy with God? ROMANCE!!!!! Do you know what it is to feel so passionately in love with God?

I don't know.... I'm just so excited for this summer. To fall so deep in love with God. More than I ever knew was possible, more than I ever understood before. I was thinking about interns and every experience, and how God constantly whispered the words "more intimacy with Me" to me. And I kept saying yes God I love You that's what I want. But I've just recently received such a huge revelation of what true intimacy with God is. And it's helped me to see why so many of us struggle through our walks with God, and feel like we've resorted to compromise, or even backsliding in ways we've been able to convince ourselves were okay. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, and I think honestly no matter how strong of a Christian you are, including myself, we all deal with this on some level.

So here's the thing. Do you have a true romance with God? God created us to be with Him. God wants to romance you. You know any guy or girl can try to win your heart, but what about God? He's the author of pursuing someone, he's the best at knowing what makes you get butterflies in your stomach. If you can't see that about God, begin to ask God to reveal that side of Him to You. FALL IN LOVE WITH GOD, He is madly in love with you already, and desperately wants you to know it!!!

Forget every burden you have, every bit of condemnation, every pressure, and just begin to ask God to reveal His love to you in a more intimate way. Maybe at first it doesn't make sense, but if you really want to have a relationship with God that will transform you radically you'll get desperate enough to find a way to receive it. And you know what? It's okay to wrestle with God over it until You understand it (Genesis 32 Jacob wrestles with God for the blessing). Take the time to be genuine with God the next time you pray. Set the prayer cards and routines aside, and speak to Him as if He were sitting right next to you. Have you ever heard someone say time plus words creates intimacy? It's true. :] If you don't already have a goal for this summer, and even if you already do- you should aspire to fall in love with God for real. Past the zeal and temporary highs that help us run for a while, past the things we do to please God, past what you even understand as relationship, as God to take You deeper into His love. YOU CAN NEVER REACH AN ENDPOINT WITH GOD, even if you feel like you are in love with Him, there is an unfathomable amount of His love you have yet to experience. SO FALL IN LOVE WITH GOD!!!!

"And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel [the face of God], saying, For I have seen God face to face, and my life is spared and not snatched away." -Genesis 32:30 AMPLIFIED BIBLE. Wrestle with God until the burdens, obligations, stresses, and cares are gone, and you can get down to just being with Him for the intent of being with Him. You can easily lose yourself, your passion for the house of God, and your love for God, if you don't understand intimacy with Him. And from that intimacy will come the pure desire to do all those things, minus the burdens etc.

The truth about living

What we know in our hearts is often the most valuable tool of testing for God to use to strengthen us. I believe that if you live your life submitted to the will of God and the authority He has hand selected for you to be under- no decision you make will ever cause you to be swallowed up in regret. There is a principal I have loved even before I knew what it was, and that is not loving my life unto death (Revelation 12:11). This whole year God has put this upon my heart and opened revelation as to what it means, testing me in so many areas, to refine my heart and push me deeper into my calling. If no thing can separate me from the love of Christ, the word of my testimony will truly allow those around me to overcome. That is powerful, and do you know why? Because more often than not, it requires the blade to sink deep inside of your heart. And when the blood comes flowing out, do I tell the surgeon to stop operating on my heart, or do I say finish what you started no matter how bad it hurts, no matter if I don't understand why your doing this, even if you told me it would feel, look, or seem different, I trust You to finish operating on me.
I have a passion to fulfill the calling that God has created for me. And I am learning increasingly more and more that things will be placed into my hands so that I can experience something to help me relate to others, refine my character, and even show God that no matter what that thing is I can be fulfilled with or without it. God will never give us more than we can handle, and that includes the extent of our revelation on something. He will open doors to us as we show ourselves faithful. He will close doors in order to open new ones. He will ultimately be sovereign and holy over EVERYTHING we allow Him to do in our lives. And doctrinally, if God is flawless and without contradiction we can trust Him undoubtedly with every thing inside of us. The Bible says that without a vision the people perish, or cast off. With a vision for your life from God, every obstacle is able to be achieved because you know you are working towards something. If you don't know the direction you are headed when something stands in your way, when something is pulled out, when something is pushed in, when something is broken, etc- you begin to question why you are even doing anything, and before you know it you have wandered down every path except the one that was lit up bright and clear- pointing you to where you should have been going all along. A bruise is better than a broken bone. A few tears is better than thousands. Allowing God to test your heart is so invaluable in the shaping of your destiny. You would not fulfill half of your potential without making sacrifices to God. How can God win your heart if you aren't willing to lay everything down for Him? In a test and sacrifice there is reward. Do you believe that? Does not the Bible say that God would pour out a such a huge blessing that you could not CONTAIN it? If every word of the Bible is pure and true, you better believe that God is going to reward every decision you make to further His kingdom and to have not your will but His be done.

John 12:23-28 Amplified Bible

23And Jesus answered them, The time has come for the Son of Man to be glorified and exalted.
24I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains [just one grain; it never becomes more but lives] by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest.
25Anyone who loves his life loses it, but anyone who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. [Whoever has no love for, no concern for, no regard for his life here on earth, but despises it, preserves his life forever and ever.]
26If anyone serves Me, he must continue to follow Me [to cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying] and wherever I am, there will My servant be also. If anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.
27Now My soul is troubled and distressed, and what shall I say? Father, save Me from this hour [of trial and agony]? But it was for this very purpose that I have come to this hour [that I might undergo it].
28[Rather, I will say,] Father, glorify (honor and extol) Your [own] name! Then there came a voice out of heaven saying, I have already glorified it, and I will glorify it again.

the unexpected.
the expected.
the collision of the unthinkable and thought out.

Do you think life is beautiful, when it looks as if someone took their paint buckets and smashed them against a huge wall? Colors, colors, an explosion so non-delicate it's beautiful.

and then with everything the words ......" "

[ at SF airport on the way to DC. ]

so this is what it feels
L I K E .

an adventure of understanding each experience. a culmination of just the little things that take the time to shape into the definition of self.

something happened yesterday. I'll never forget it. And how it affected today- I knew it weighed eternally. i love interns, i love being one, i'm so glad for the essence of what it is and all it has to offer, and all it allows me to give. i was thanking God for speaking to me to do it when I was 15, I didn't know exactly why but I knew I was to do it, and there's something powerful about that- about me trusting God that much....He truly has become my Father, an image that was so distorted in my mind has become this beautiful picture. when i look back its crazy for me to think that i made so many huge decisions in these past three years in the midst of rebuilding my life off of chaos, brokeness, and mess after mess from all the events of my past. the grace of God works in the most amazing ways. behind the zeal that explodes when the presence of God first becomes evident in your life, there is still your own will....and I'm just thinking about how mine became God's hands down that night in august 2006, and how from that point on nothing in my life would be the same. is it weird to be stunned by your own self? i've been a christian for almost 10 years but it wasn't until the past 3 that my life started to make sense, that I understood who God wanted to be for me, that I realized He loved me when I no longer believed in love.....and how so much love brought me to the place I currently reside. I know, I know I'm rambling..... but I'm unbelieveably thankful at this moment 12:41 am, wide awake. I can't exactly put to words the way I'm replaying life in my head, and seeing it. It's just crazy to think that you can feel something you've never felt before and know that you can trust your whole entire life when you follow that...and I'm not talking about regular feelings I'm referring to God and the way He speaks through them. and I knew my experience this year would change my life in a way I couldn't predict or expect. but I expected something life-transforming, and if you don't already know this your expectation profoundly determines what you will receive in this life you GET to live (an expectancy on God, minus selfish ambition) . Because I already had my position in leadership, my accountability to Pastor Casey and Charlotte, my connect group, my disciples, my prayer life, my areas of serving, my passion, etc I knew this would be a deep work that would form my character, strengthen my maturity, and tune my life in closer to the Holy Spirit. All those things would be refined, corrected, tested, but there was something more I couldn't place my finger on. Every experience opened up another door, took me in a little closer, opened my eyes a little wider, broke open old wounds and strengthened me, showed me things I never knew I'd see, oh my goodness I can't describe what I want so badly to say! And I'm looking back at all the things I went through, each revelation it produced to show me what it meant for my life, my future. And Pastor Casey was right when he said there's something you'll get in interns you can't get anywhere else-- there's things that will happen in interns that take most Christians years, if not their whole lives to receive. This is how it feels................................................................. beautifully indescribable but described inside of myself in a way that leaves me amazed and in awe. These vital parts of my identity could have taken me decades to attain, but now they are mine and I will use them to advance the kingdom of God in every way possible.

bruised knees.

1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

That feeling like maybe you weren't thinking hard enough. Time to clear out some time, take a breather, and focus in a little harder. My heart just keeps beating faster and faster. In actuality and truth tonight we were running, hardly but enough to get away from them; and here I was heart pounding no breath but enough to barely scrape by. Who'd thought maybe the way I somehow comprehended (or interpreted) these recent experiences would manifest physically. They'll have no remedy for this diagnosis, so I'll keep pouring out the blood of Jesus all over me. I keep placing that bottle of man-made remedies from surface to surface...yet to break the seal and use. Do you think it will help? I do confide, it hurts, but praying, praying, and seeking I need more substance than a few slippery pills. They'll take pictures of my heart in the coming days, but will it capture the source of each beat, the motivation to keep that blood pumping? Lately I just know I'm alive. But I want to pull out this life of mine under a bright light and start marking it up. Colors, colors, brightly colored markers. Lines, circles, x's, notes, the way I see it and the way I'll go about exploring, revising, and continuing. And I kept looking all around but in familiar comfort I knew exactly where my gaze would reside. I couldn't really even be afraid even though I knew we were running. Maybe I'd just laugh at capture, I somehow wish someone was recording me tonight....and even my insides. I'd like to understand myself too. And now I am back at home in the quiet of the night, secluded but not alone. I know YOU'RE hearing me Jesus, I'm going to keep talking. In some shape or form I realize every person on this earth will have to feel this at one point or another. Created uniquely but some things we are not divided from, we can all have in common. Perhaps....unfortunately, this is not a heart to heart and I will go no further in explanation as to what it is I mean.

so i deleted half the stuff i wrote....

I was thinking that....
The sting of persecution dulls with the medication of truth.
I trust this was defining, simple yet impacting.

[H E A R T -blessed are the pure in]
[[GOD-for they shall see]]

if we see Him, we must be able to gain more understanding of how He looks at us. && as we see Him.....our own eyes in unity with His? Do we begin to see like He sees--- I believe we do. Catching that glimpse, or observing without limit is all up to the extent of our purity. What gritty things we frequently let get between us and God.... from the small to big, impurity is impurity....and scratch the sexual purity cliche---purity hits the bone...extends over everything we are, it's often more than we fathom.

EmergencyRoom.

beautiful feet.

Friday through Saturday I had the privilege of going on a mission trip to downtown San Diego. A trip, 20 minutes from home. And it was life changing. It's so true when people say don't go to the nations before you go to the nation your in, or don't try to jump ahead in ministry until you handle what's in front of you. I was pretty excited to go reach out to the homeless people of downtown. I didn't know what to expect, and I've always had a heart for homeless people- and I wanted more compassion for who they were as individuals, and not the group they've all been classified under. It was beautifully eye opening to sit in the dirt with them and develop relationship over charity.
Something God was speaking to me: Romans 10:15
NKJV: And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “ How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!”
ESV: And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written,"How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!"
NLT: And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!"

It was like stepping into another world. And once again I opened my eyes to something. When you think about the government, law enforcers, businessmen, and people who inhabit the downtown area and even the visitors, tourists, etc- most of them (us) have a rotten taste in our mouths towards the homeless. We can walk past in our nice clothes on our way to buy something we don't need (and hey work hard, and buy what you want, it's all good) & give no thought to the old man sitting up against a wall. They've begun to push the homeless as far (East i believe) as they could. They've become an annoyance, a dirtying of the streets, and less than the worth of your average every day human- to the eyes of most. All in all our sin and weaknesses are lackings are equal, have we forgotten that? We all know money, careers, things, don't make us, but do we really know that? And as this wasn't just another trip to downtown, walking past those people who "only want your money for drugs or alcohol" I began to see something different.

Some things certain homeless people said to me that stuck:

"It's not so much as what you bring to us, but that you bring yourselves"
"Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean I'm not smart..... I love to read books about quantum physics"
"Your like an angel, I really do appreciate what you guys are doing for us"
"Take those to someone else who needs them more than me". (food, sanitizing products)


They were all beautiful people, with lives like my own and those I know- but now living in a way I find hard to imagine. I met a man who'd been on the streets for 18 years, an ex-voiceover artist and talk show host who starred in the spacejam movie as marvin the martian, a guy who called himself elvis & his wife who sang us some of the songs he'd written for her, a lady who had come to be homeless because of her addiction to heroine, a man who was part of the last generations of African Americans to live in slavery in the US, a man who hadn't seen his children for years- some graduates of berkley and other colleges and universities- off to be doctors, etc. So many people, voices, faces, stories- their friendships formed in the common bond of having lost all. It was amazing how the cliche of what most people describe the attitudes of homeless people and the cause of how they got there was broken down when you actually talked to them. I talked to many people with lovely hearts, broken hearts, bitter hearts, empty hearts, happy hearts------- but not homeless hearts. And something else, they loved to be smiled at, to shake our hands, to be asked questions, to laugh. It wasn't about pity and charity- and what I could give to them materiastically- although they greatly appreciated hygene products and food- they wanted something more along the lines of unmerited love. God loves them so much, I began to feel that as I was with them. Even to just sit and let them talk, and to just listen- I could tell how much it meant to them.

We spent time this morning making mother's day cards. We got to show love to all the mothers with home made cards and red roses. Some of those mothers had been disowned by their children, or hadn't seen them in countless months, or even years. I remember this one lady, who sat in the middle of two men....while we were talking to the man named Oneil, I was watching her look through the things we gave her. She organized the soaps, hair ties, and miscellaneous things with a thankful look on her face, but then she picked up her mother's day card- and this genuine smile sneaked humbly across. She reached for the rose and smelled it. Small and simple things can soften the heart of stone, can heal the cuts and wounds, can bring hope. Rachel Hickson told us we were called to find treasure hidden in dark places. When you have a jewel you get it appraised for it's worth- someone carefully examines it at an intense magnification, but cleans it off first, and the worth is determined, a detailed report written. But gentle care and undivided attention is required to appraise it properly- and the person who does it must have invested into their knowledge of jewels to recognize its value. I think I found some real diamonds yesterday and today.

To do

Busy, but I'm determined to make the most of the free time I have. <3 So I've been thinking about what it is that I'd like to do or get accomplished.....in no particular order:

-Take up photography (((((((again)))))))
-Paint
-Read a book
-Brush up on my HTML skillzzz & do the Under Siege page over.
-Dust off my sewing machine & start working on the pile of things I have next to it.
-Get my guitars tuned
-Learn how to play the acoustic one
-Write in my blog more..(hey I'm getting good at this one!)
-Write, write, write
-Catch up on snail mail to the loved ones
-Transfer all my music to my laptop and update my ipod
-Have a real conversation with my dad (the flesh and blood one)...it's been months.
-Revise and add to the list of vision for my life
-GET MY PASSPORT!!
-Find a few friends to take an adventure downtown with me, walking around, taking buses, getting lost, & all that lovely stuff.
-Design on photoshop for fun outside of what needs to get done

Well I think I'm off to a good start.

L is for LIBERATION

"When the spirit of life comes inside of you it breaks every chain and the true identity of who you are cannot be kept in the grave". -Rachel Hickson

What a powerful weekend. It was crazy that two of the things God was speaking to me, she ended up preaching about. I love when that happens, my revelation being expanded and then released into breakthrough. 8 messages later....I am completely alive and in awe of God.

How faithful? He just keeps giving, He just keeps loving.
&& never stops.

you, me, and a whole lot of fire.

So many people are going through attack right now. As a church, we are the bride of Christ. It's not just some figurative poetic art spewed out from the pens of the writers of the New Testament. Truly every person actively involved, will hold up the pillars of the church in miraculous ways. Whether it be behind the scenes or not, it could not be lived without. It is true that God will use someone else to do what He's intended for you to do, but it breaks His heart to do that. And so when we struggle, our actions are vital to those around us. We are all going through something, but are we all dealing with it right? What you go through is for a reason. And through those things you will find yourself in God, and learn how to use it for a divine purpose.

Bitterness, confusion, the feeling of failure, not feeling like yourself, not being satisfied with what you have, feeling sick and tired of this and that or everything, feeling like you haven't done things the right way, not being able to commune with God, or hear His voice, etc. It seems like these are some household names in the hearts of the people around me, and even they were in mine.

So what happens? For me, I was so over with the way things were I began to cry out to God. And all of the sudden, the familiar voice that had seemed so distant began to speak once again. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I've been fighting through, this isn't the prodigal's daughter writing in her blog. But I began to understand something as He spoke, the fire of refinement (if you read the Psalm in my previous blog) is a huge test of the way I respond to and rely on God. You combat attack with humbling yourself in prayer. Prayer is one of the greatest forms of humility, a continuous sign you can within yourself do nothing, and need to rely on God.

So for me. My intimacy with God was replaced with the stress of the attacks hitting my life. I felt like I was striving for air to breath, bruised like never before. And I know it was something I needed to go through (brought out into rich fulfillment). It is easy to be caught up in what you are doing, what you are experiencing, and the things entrusted to you, and it's not that those things are bad, but the root of why you have them, should be your greatest priority. Do you understand what I am saying? Intimacy with God. Because I was caught up in leading, interns, media, discipling, being faithful, campus clubs, attack on my life, etc, etc!----that I was in way distant from the love of God and my love for Him. It wasn't that I was doing those things with a numb heart, it was that I wasn't whole heartedly pursuing God while I was doing them. All the while He was violently fighting for me. I loved God through all of those things, but how deep was my passion, and how much was I focused in on it? You can always be passionate, but can you be really passionate? God wants each of us so bad, do we forget that? Is it just an absentminded thing we acknowledge in fleeting thoughts? NO. NO NO NO NO! And as I began to grab ahold of this, I spoke openly to God and pressed into His presence like never before.

Sometimes when it feels the hardest, the best thing you can do is praise God, thank Him, and never stop. The Bible says to punish all disobedience with obedience...it's easy to think that refers to a deliberate sin, but what about an attitude, a feeling of discouragement, hurt, brokenness? I punished those things with humility. One of the keys to pressing through these past two weeks for me has been going to the prayer vigils. I can honestly say my life has been one hundred percent changed if not more. I will never be the same, and my relationship with God is being completely transformed. I had to come to God and press through until there was a tangible change in the way I felt for Him, and what I received from Him. It's kind of hard to explain.

It's easy to focus on what is going wrong, why it's happening, and how it's affecting the way we serve the church, and how we give ourselves to God. But really, what does Jesus say to us, "come to me all who are weary....I WILL GIVE YOU REST....My yoke is EASY and My burden is light".... do you get it? God wants us to let everything past and present to be surrendered to Him. It's okay to go through things, it's not okay to struggle through it on your own strength, or to think You are a sinner for going through it. So many people are not willing to admit they feel that way, but in their heart of hearts they are wrestling with the fact that they feel they are unfaithful, not living up to their fullest potential, or some degree of beating themselves up for the current things they are going through. And all the while God, in His perfect love is saying "come to Me- I will give you rest, come speak to Me- I have the answers and I care about how you feel, come trust in me- I won't ever contradict my faithfulness to you, come be with Me- I want to be everything you need". What is it that we need, whatever it is, God wants us to come to Him because He has it. All of it.

I have never loved God more than I do now. I really haven't.
Seven months, or however long it has been of interns has completely changed everything. There is not one part of it I could belittle or do without. It is so true what Pastor Casey said about it, things you go through in interns, take most Christians years if not decades to work out, figure out on their own. It's a season of the wilderness, the blessing, the truly finding who you are in Christ, the testing, the humbling, the searching, the leading, it is a time where you begin to understand how to live your life the way God truly created you to live it. I flourished in the anointing before I started, I had the disciples, I had the relationship with God, I had, I had, I had, but now I've come from a state of maturity, to a state of greater maturity. And for that in itself I am so thankful.

I met with Pastor Casey on Friday and we were talking about all the things in my life. And I was so thankful to know I live my life with people who are committed to see me thrive. And that's what it's like in our intimacy with God. He wants us to thrive in everything, but how does it happen? By us focusing completely on Him. Out of that flows the grace, anointing, stength, wisdom, and ability to do everything we will ever need to do in life.

The start of a new season, the end of the fire.

Psalm 66

1 Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!
² Sing out the honor of His name;
Make His praise glorious.
³ Say to God,
“How awesome are Your works!
Through the greatness of Your power
Your enemies shall submit themselves to You.
⁴ All the earth shall worship You
And sing praises to You;
They shall sing praises to Your name.” Selah

⁵ Come and see the works of God;
He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men.
⁶ He turned the sea into dry land;
They went through the river on foot.
There we will rejoice in Him.
⁷ He rules by His power forever;
His eyes observe the nations;
Do not let the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah

⁸ Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
⁹ Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
¹⁰ For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
¹¹ You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
¹² You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

¹³ I will go into Your house with burnt offerings;
I will pay You my vows,
¹⁴ Which my lips have uttered
And my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble.
¹⁵ I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals,
With the sweet aroma of rams;
I will offer bulls with goats. Selah

¹⁶ Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
¹⁷ I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
¹⁸ If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
¹⁹ But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.

²⁰ Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

Staining the white picket fence.

A little something from notes I took today.

"If you never give up the right you'll never get anything back ["I count these things as rubbish"]..."

DO YOU WANT THE AMERICAN DREAM OR DO YOU WANT GOD'S DREAM?

Rights you get to give up to God:
(some of the scripture references might be wrong,
I didn't double check and they were said really fast...!)

1. The right to eat
-Matthew 4:1-2, Matthew 6:25, Luke 4:2
2. The right to sleep
- Luke 6:12, Luke 22:40-46, Matthew 26:39-41
3. The right to privacy
- Mark 8:2, John 19:23, John 6:3-5, Matthew 14:13
4. The right to marriage
- Ephesians 5:25, Matthew 22:30, Luke 20:34-35
5. The right to a house
- Matthew 8:20, Matthew 6:20-33, John 14:1-8
6. The right to an honorable reputation
- Philippians 2:7, Isaiah 3:3, John 18:30
7. The right to possessions
- Mark 15:34, Matthew 8:4,8,10
8. The right to live
- Philippians 2:8

End of notes.... =]

The misconception of this root of character, is self-entitlement. Everything, is a gift from God. We don't rightfully deserve anything, our righteousness as filthy rags. The commonly quoted Matthew 6:33, is exactly the key- all these things God will add to you, but what about the seasons where your pride is tested, and you are asked to give them up? I was thinking about all this. It shatters the American dream that's for sure, but there's something beautiful about being humbled. You learn to love nothing more than God. The times where all these things are ripped from us, are probably some of the best times for us- testing and building our character, shaping our attitudes, equipping us to walk worthy of the calling to which we were called. [[[Counting it all joy, not loving your live unto death, counting these things as rubbish, to live is Christ to die is gain, He must increase I must decrease, etc, etc. ]]]


Psalm 27:4 ESV
One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.

What is the one thing you are asking for? What it your current distracting hope, desire, thought? What is your heart pumping blood for?

....the axe laying root.