the bigger picture.

Trauma for me, so often was unspoken, bottled up and sent out on the sea of my past. I was aware as I walked upon the beach those bottles would somehow find their way to cross my path once again. Opening up these glass bottles with old and simple notebook paper.... who knew could hurt more than anything. Funny thing.... Pastor Ted used that same analogy yesterday in a message.... &&& the feeling of being numb was beginning to diminish.

Dr. Ted Roberts: "I want you to use the hand you don't normally use to draw a picture of the worst memory of your childhood" The purpose...to access the limbic system...and find yourself one step closer to a true healing. "and then tell someone that story, let them pray for you". WOW.

So much of my life was pain, hurt, and betrayal, hell on earth. So much I acknowledged with partiality and chose to run hard and fast and move on. I've been thinking about that old garment Jesus spoke of, and how it would surely rip if we placed a new piece of cloth on it to cover a hole. Healing means something so much more. Retracing my brokenness and working through it looks completely different than I thought. God started speaking to me a lot this summer about certain things in my life and how they were a result of certain things done to me...and really I wasn't sure how to resolve what tore me down...but I kept going to God in prayer, listening to His voice. It's interesting we had this healing conference....I thought it would be completely different...but it's sole intention was to access the deepest parts of who you are. I had no clue what God has in store for me this weekend. You can be happy, you can be strong, you can be walking in God's will.....and still not be whole. I always viewed my past and simply that...passed...I passed it by and kept going. Sure I took so much of it to prayer and spoke the word over myself and felt a freedom....but it's still there. Just like a book just because you read the first 100 pages and keep going, doesn't mean those words magically disappear or lose their impact....and as your sitting there reading and the wind blows...and the pages somehow fly back and you re read those lines that choked you up... maybe it doesn't hit so hard at first...but oh you'll feel something.
Things I haven't thought of for years came back to me. But I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry. I could feel the perfect peace of Jesus, His arms around me.... and it didn't really matter what had happened. The envelope.....the truck.....the angry shouts.....the crying my self to sleep....those two years where I hadn't seen a certain face..... the stash of an unsuccessful remedy at the side of my bed..... the words "what reason would I ever have to believe in you"...... the phone call from the police.....the many many things that could take days and months to speak of.... a motion picture of small and big events....18 years in the making.

& Freedom. Beautifully untainted, openly given to me.
At surrender of my own battlegrounds, He took me to His dwelling place.

I love God so much. It's crazy how you can feel free and alive and whole, and then God shows you how to become that even more so. There is no shame in a transparency of your own testimony. You cannot despise the fact that you had to live your life outside of a sheltered box. You can love the fact that God turned it all around for good... and there was a divine purpose in what you went through. You can find hope in the fact that someone else will be able to be delivered by just hearing you tell of your own liberation. They overcame by the word of THEIR testimony. That wasn't written in the Bible to make you feel bad.

A new perspective. A new understanding. Anddddd once more........... I opened my eyes and felt life ALL OVER AGAIN.