you, me, and a whole lot of fire.

So many people are going through attack right now. As a church, we are the bride of Christ. It's not just some figurative poetic art spewed out from the pens of the writers of the New Testament. Truly every person actively involved, will hold up the pillars of the church in miraculous ways. Whether it be behind the scenes or not, it could not be lived without. It is true that God will use someone else to do what He's intended for you to do, but it breaks His heart to do that. And so when we struggle, our actions are vital to those around us. We are all going through something, but are we all dealing with it right? What you go through is for a reason. And through those things you will find yourself in God, and learn how to use it for a divine purpose.

Bitterness, confusion, the feeling of failure, not feeling like yourself, not being satisfied with what you have, feeling sick and tired of this and that or everything, feeling like you haven't done things the right way, not being able to commune with God, or hear His voice, etc. It seems like these are some household names in the hearts of the people around me, and even they were in mine.

So what happens? For me, I was so over with the way things were I began to cry out to God. And all of the sudden, the familiar voice that had seemed so distant began to speak once again. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I've been fighting through, this isn't the prodigal's daughter writing in her blog. But I began to understand something as He spoke, the fire of refinement (if you read the Psalm in my previous blog) is a huge test of the way I respond to and rely on God. You combat attack with humbling yourself in prayer. Prayer is one of the greatest forms of humility, a continuous sign you can within yourself do nothing, and need to rely on God.

So for me. My intimacy with God was replaced with the stress of the attacks hitting my life. I felt like I was striving for air to breath, bruised like never before. And I know it was something I needed to go through (brought out into rich fulfillment). It is easy to be caught up in what you are doing, what you are experiencing, and the things entrusted to you, and it's not that those things are bad, but the root of why you have them, should be your greatest priority. Do you understand what I am saying? Intimacy with God. Because I was caught up in leading, interns, media, discipling, being faithful, campus clubs, attack on my life, etc, etc!----that I was in way distant from the love of God and my love for Him. It wasn't that I was doing those things with a numb heart, it was that I wasn't whole heartedly pursuing God while I was doing them. All the while He was violently fighting for me. I loved God through all of those things, but how deep was my passion, and how much was I focused in on it? You can always be passionate, but can you be really passionate? God wants each of us so bad, do we forget that? Is it just an absentminded thing we acknowledge in fleeting thoughts? NO. NO NO NO NO! And as I began to grab ahold of this, I spoke openly to God and pressed into His presence like never before.

Sometimes when it feels the hardest, the best thing you can do is praise God, thank Him, and never stop. The Bible says to punish all disobedience with obedience...it's easy to think that refers to a deliberate sin, but what about an attitude, a feeling of discouragement, hurt, brokenness? I punished those things with humility. One of the keys to pressing through these past two weeks for me has been going to the prayer vigils. I can honestly say my life has been one hundred percent changed if not more. I will never be the same, and my relationship with God is being completely transformed. I had to come to God and press through until there was a tangible change in the way I felt for Him, and what I received from Him. It's kind of hard to explain.

It's easy to focus on what is going wrong, why it's happening, and how it's affecting the way we serve the church, and how we give ourselves to God. But really, what does Jesus say to us, "come to me all who are weary....I WILL GIVE YOU REST....My yoke is EASY and My burden is light".... do you get it? God wants us to let everything past and present to be surrendered to Him. It's okay to go through things, it's not okay to struggle through it on your own strength, or to think You are a sinner for going through it. So many people are not willing to admit they feel that way, but in their heart of hearts they are wrestling with the fact that they feel they are unfaithful, not living up to their fullest potential, or some degree of beating themselves up for the current things they are going through. And all the while God, in His perfect love is saying "come to Me- I will give you rest, come speak to Me- I have the answers and I care about how you feel, come trust in me- I won't ever contradict my faithfulness to you, come be with Me- I want to be everything you need". What is it that we need, whatever it is, God wants us to come to Him because He has it. All of it.

I have never loved God more than I do now. I really haven't.
Seven months, or however long it has been of interns has completely changed everything. There is not one part of it I could belittle or do without. It is so true what Pastor Casey said about it, things you go through in interns, take most Christians years if not decades to work out, figure out on their own. It's a season of the wilderness, the blessing, the truly finding who you are in Christ, the testing, the humbling, the searching, the leading, it is a time where you begin to understand how to live your life the way God truly created you to live it. I flourished in the anointing before I started, I had the disciples, I had the relationship with God, I had, I had, I had, but now I've come from a state of maturity, to a state of greater maturity. And for that in itself I am so thankful.

I met with Pastor Casey on Friday and we were talking about all the things in my life. And I was so thankful to know I live my life with people who are committed to see me thrive. And that's what it's like in our intimacy with God. He wants us to thrive in everything, but how does it happen? By us focusing completely on Him. Out of that flows the grace, anointing, stength, wisdom, and ability to do everything we will ever need to do in life.