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Almost to the point of tears, throughout the evening I wanted to make that claim. Tears swell, and then a few moments later my heart has talked me into laughter. The one thing I thought wouldn't even happen, did, it must have been hours, and days upon days. But something, in the midst of restlessness even allowed me to stop keeping count. And there's something burning on the inside of me. I'm not sure what's going to happen and exactly where I'm going to stand weeks from now. But the vision remains in front of my eyes...of this young woman with my name. It's the mirror, but with a future reflection. I know her somehow, and she remembers me. And I've been walking this whole time, one foot, the next foot, step by step, at the pace of revelation.
I've never wanted anyone aside from Jesus to get on their knees next to me as I figured everything out until I'm blue in the face from screaming. I haven't desired that depth of companionship. But more and more I'm seeing---I just want someone to truly ask me.... how I am. But that will not be the sustenance to which I am satisfied. God alone, in God alone. And where I have never spoken, I am going to speak. None of this ambition is inspired by fear, I have been true friends with faith through thick and thin.
God told me to do some very SPECIFIC things with my life this year. And I most certainly proceeded to do them. Little did I know everything would be flipped upside down, persecution would thrash against me like a bunch of jagged thorns, every feeling from the spectrum of death to life has probably had it's share in me over the course of this year. And my dear friends, I have never once claimed perfection....so excuse my honesty if you must...but I prefer you take it all.
I’ve waited for your every word today. But what could it matter to me? Courtesy reflects the trash in your pocket, a small forgettable. I would say to you from honest lips, what I could give. Taken lightly, is how I have received the way you took. We will learn, at least from the perspective I’ve attained--- that a word’s integrity depends solely on it’s corresponding actions. Don’t we all know this, it’s rather elementary. I keep hearing several words entwined around a moving picture…I believe they refer to this as a memory. And sure as anything it was all a moment of honesty. And I just ache to see it’s falsehood now.
I waited for the answer [lately]. I longed for some discernment into chaotic fragments of the whole falling all around me. Your heart can settle in remedies…but then time reminds you of the requirements of true healing. I will not speak of what I do not know. And what I do not know I will not stop pondering. What balance will I find? The pendulum swings back and forth, in a deadly pace. You might not want to stand in between this. God, He laughs, like the Father He is it’s not such a risk to intervene. You protect me when I’m shoving myself under my own burdens. And it’s as if I see this so many different ways. Understanding falling and rising, by point of view. I know I have taken the necessary path to gain a right standing in all of this, and it’s only fair to provide the benefit of the doubt for the other members of this party. It’s what I know is true, and what I do not know, and what hurt comes from experiencing what I’ve taken away from myself. I’ve placed so much in a single envelope, sloppy writing- the proof of anxiety. I’ve torn to pieces what I couldn’t stand to possess any longer. And then I find myself in front of this (or that) once insignificant place, now a monument to replaying vividly something inside my heart. And one thing, is breaking my insides to pieces. It all revolves around this frail honesty, that lacked something substantial. I am not sure what this means to me. And in so many ways I hate to let it mean anything. It’s always been a strength of mine, to end when I say stop, and to let go when I commanded. And now as I speak these things---- it seems an echo of it all comes thrashing through my ear drums in the middle of peace; to start a beginning in the midst of a conclusion. It does not shake what good has been done. It has not succeeded to eliminate progress. It has only asked me to learn more, to dig deeper, to find something else. What will I discover from this, what purpose will it serve me? In the end I have discovered one thing, the human heart is not at all what you think it is. Left to your own interpretation or not, I will claim there is fruit from this field of countless seeds.
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