Reflecting.

This week has stretched me thin, but it was amazing. Healing may take its course through process, but grace is instantaneous. I love that. God is good, no matter what. In the midst of everything I can keep my focus on God and press through. But hey I'm contending for the healing even more! I was talking to Shayna about how when I get breakthroughs with God my health just plummets. Haha I was thinking about something Heather said once "the devil is like a fat kid behind a skinny pole, what an idiot he can't hide". Haha it's humorously accurate. I know what he's doing and my prayers will beat it out of my life. The devil can't win, I'm going to kill him with my prayers.

On a more lovely note. The ten year banquet was amazing. I was thinking so much of all that's happened since I started going to the City Church in 8th grade. Remembering all the times Pastor Tami, Jerry, Paige, and Casey told me they were praying for me when I was hitting rock bottom. When I didn't understand God, and my life was ripping to its last shred, they were fighting for me. And how it took me to the summer I finished 9th grade to truly give my life to God. That whole time they were there in love, hope, faith, and persistance. How Charlotte never gave up, the 20+ hours a week she gave up to spend with me my whole 9th grade year. That night at my first GC camp when everything that had happened was released from my grasp, the Holy Spirit came rushing in, and I was CHANGED FOREVER. When I got on a plane to Lake Tahoe, and was told I was going back to live with my dad, after being kicked out for the second time. And how I got to go back home to "pack" and Charlotte came over and for the first time I began to believe in the power of prayer. And how every scripture she turned to in the Bible applied to my life, and I could feel life from what seemed so cliche to my heart for so long. The night when Pastor Casey asked me to share my testimony, and I looked up to see Generation Church standing up to clap for me- for the first time I was beginning to see what God had for my life, and how I was a part of a church that didn't look at me as number one hundred something, but as their own flesh and blood, a joint heir to Christ. I am so thankful for everything, I remember God telling me about my life one morning in preservice prayer and how as I was standing there with life flowing through me, I wouldn't have been, hadn't things played out the way they did. Joanne, a testimony of the ministry God has called me to. My first fruit, her passion for God, a pure heart, and she will never have to live without a purpose. [These events some are out of order...] The night God spoke to me about my future and the next night Pastor Jude pulled me away from praying over someone to prophesy over me- it literally transformed my life. When Pastor Tami came up to me and confirmed what God has spoken to me. When God spoke to me to disciple Kristy, this shy girl with her whole world weighed down in hurt, and I gave her all of my love, time, and energy. I'll never give up on her, it is no option I know of or would want to. Once God opens your eyes to the potential in someone elses's life it is a belief inside of you that can't be broken. There is so much I started to think of, I mean I could probably sit here and type for hours.

All of these beautiful things. These fragments of the whole (And you'll probably continue to hear me coin that phrase, it's what God is speaking to me about in this season of my life). I started to cry as I listened to Pastor Tami and Jery talking about the church in that video, watching little Jackson S. prophesying over someone with tears streaming down his face, his voice shaking, looking at people worshiping with whole hearts, hearing and seeing so many things I'd been there to experience. Seeing people I've had the privilege of getting to know over the past few years and months, clips of their passion displayed for all to see. A recording of some of the girls I've been ministering to on campus clubs...these are things I can't imagine to live without. It's amazing to see the things you live for when you live for God. It's crazy to think you'd ever not want those things. Even seeing myself in that video, it made me realize somethings about God. I truly love my life. I truly love God. I truly love the call He gave me. And it takes my breath away to know God wanted to use me. And five people selflessly paved the way for me to walk in and live these things out. I love my pastors and the vision they have layed their lives down for.

I am so excited for what comes next. Old wineskins being put to the side, and the new wineskin being filled with fresh wine. "The old the say is better", oh but not for me. Not for me. I want to leave off on this last reflection. Pastor Casey said something to me when we met a few weeks ago that broke off something in my life, he in many ways is the father I never had. And because of it, last thursday I sat in a group of fifteen girls and shared the love of God with them, led four to salvation, and watched a couple of them walk into GC that night. Who brought those 15 girls? A girl named Evelyn, who I stepped outside of myself to share the gospel with a couple of months ago. I had been praying and fighting off discouragement and asking God, please give me someone genuine... it had been hard to reach out watching a handful of my disciples backslide with everything in their power. In fall of 08 I sat down with her and shared the gospel, led her to salvation, and handed her my number a few minutes after. I wasn't sure what to think and then a couple hours later she called, left a voicemail, and a text- eager to come to GC. She has been bringing 5 to 10 people to GC every week, and is filling her campus club with people. "I just can't stop praying, I want to invite everyone to church, can you help me find a scripture to speak to my sports team, can I have more of those touchcards so many people want them....I just wanted you to know my life is changed because of you"....those are some of the things I've heard her say to me lately. I am sitting here thinking about everything, thousands of things that God has placed in my care. I am so in love with God, because He is so in love with me.

Text messages.

8:09 pm 3/28/09
"You shouldve stabbed my tires."

construe.

it took forever to fall asleep, with everything and the lack of wanting to let go. & so i set my alarm early as I could stomach....i must have woken faster than my heartbeat. does it matter? everything is chaotic and non-serene about this. a box of tissues, a pen, the word, a disheveled mess, and hours that I could not walk away from. I faced this, and yet everything inside indicates there's a lot more I've yet to look at.

b r e a t h e . j u s t . b r e a t h e. [it's funny how this happened. I never really expected any of this- and the whole thing, every part, is shaping me] w h a t . c o m e s . n e x t .

".......so it can happen". I 'm going to remember this all in all for quite some time. i can feel the prayers rising from within, and how much more so i will cry out. to throw my hands in the air would be futile [FUTILE- INCAPABLE OF PRODUCING ANY RESULT]. these threads are stronger than one would assume.

Make your decision and you don't dare twice think it.

Of all of this [soon]
More than before.
Not less.
Not enough.
Everything.

I learn. I breathe. I talk. I withhold. I give out. I receive. I hold onto. I can. I will. I won't say I can't. I do. I don't. I want. I won't. I think. I shout. I scream. I laugh. I cry. I believe. I pray. I hope. I love. I _______________.

This is a good place to be in. Not quite sure why I understand that. But I do. I'll just keep breathing, I'll just keep singing. & I know what happens will be for a reason. I know what's said will be heard for a moment. I know where everything goes will be remembered forever. I know that when it's all said and done I'm going to keep going, I won't stop for anything. I won't ever stop believing that there is a purpose for God using me in this situation.

Take a look.

There are shadows blocking me, two hands over my eyes. It's not like my eyes have been closed this whole time. Move away your hands, let me look up at the sun. The world at large, is vastly breath-taking. In seven days it all became. And here, do you hear the sounds of all the world owns? Sometimes I just want to look up in the sky and hear nothing, just feel the breeze. But even then the cool of the day, the wind moving through and through, I can want to hear everything. What does it sound like to be at peace? At sound mind? At hope? At excitement? Take away your earphones, press pause. Let God speak, let Him show you what it means to look through those eyes of yours, and hear through those ears. It's different when you lay aside your thoughts, will, and emotions. To ask God to come in and speak, to just want to be with Him. Everything that was wrong- it begins to make sense, there is something inside yourself, and you feel more alive. I remember the first time I figured this out,and it was life-transforming. Who would have thought it would be this amazing? Who could have known He could love so deeply? We often get so caught up in believing we have to do it all on our own, that we in ourselves have the capability to ransom our lives and bring out a saving power. But I remember those days when I was at it alone, brokenness took on it's meaning. I'm looking at the son now and parts of the sky streaked with clouds. The largest canvas ever, and God paints it new every day. In autumn on the east coast, I love to see the trees. A rainbow covered world, and crisp beneath my feet. Making piles and piles of these vibrant leaves, and diving in. The smell I always thought was weird. But it didn't matter, I'd keep diving in. And what about the way the ground smells after rain on a summer afternoon? For some reason it always made me want to take a walk. And all these fragments of what make up the world, seem to coincide with all the things I'm feeling. I see them in fast forwarded motion, and it's more beautiful when I understand it was made for me. Even more so as I find out these textures, sounds, and sights work in unison to assist me in making sense of life. God knew what He was doing.

DELETED

In thought.

Ultimately, I have come to terms.

I'm not going to lie. I just have to laugh when things pile up in the wrong places. I can't stand the fact that things are taken places they weren't meant to be- but I've also come too far to act like this is worth my while- in the sense of dwelling and definitely retaliation (to even think of it is hilarious). Maybe this is where I lay my head, I haven't strayed away from a love to be blunt. Save the sugarcoating for someone else, far from me. A decision made well does not always come with a pat on the back.

It's funny to watch these things play out when I'm holding onto grace. And it's so different with God. Comical, we could hit the rewind button- and watch this scene from an unrecognizable perspective of the past. There's something to be said about this though, as Jesus told His disciples, just SHAKE the dust off of your feet, and keep going. Accepted, unaccepted- for the call we go on. And who will hold us down? Who will take me and hold me back? I haven't the weakest of points to let it happen. And if there's talk behind me, guess where I'm going to leave it? You guessed right if you said behind.

“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”- Colossians 3:12

In the midst of what we do not ask for, we are immersed in what we have. And in that bag of possessions is love that sees beyond what feelings are beaten by. I will choose to remember this when time has taken its hardest toll. The cost, the process, and the end result. And even if persecution in its various forms appears to have won, I will come out victorious in the eyes of God. Staying pure with God- is staying pure with those around you. A complete surrender must be sewn together with a complete submission. No word, action, or betrayal will hold power over my life. If this is a lesson, I would say it is worth learning.

F R A G M E N T S of the whole.

And being made new, you feel what you don't have to choose. You just feel.... and maybe that within itself is all the reason to glorify God.

Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart. -Psalm 51:6 (ESV)

So key theme of the week: HONESTY-HONESTY-HONESTY. TRUTH.

There is so much going on in life right now, I love it. This has been a season of immense attack, and I'm just starting to understand it. It's funny I was talking to Pastor Casey about it and then I just felt like laughing and said you know what this is just the devil. It's really that simple- he said you know when you start to hear that no you can't, or this isn't ___ you know it's not God. And I'm beginning to realize the more I open up -and I feel that I'm a book that's hardly closed to those who are supposed to read it- the more revelation comes flooding into my life. It's safe to say that this week is a defining one, a moment prolonged and vital to my life. It's also safe to say I beat the devil up pretty good.

So pieces of the puzzle are coming together. And the picture that I see in my spirit, is now coming into view from my eyes. Sometimes I wonder what that's like for someone else. We are all so different. So different.

And I'm starting to make a list of these fragments. These pieces, threads, components. But I don't know how much sense it will make to anyone who reads it, other than myself. Haha, I haven't blogged in so long I'm not really sure what people want to read about me. Oh well, you'll get what's on my heart, nothing short of truth. Maybe I'll put up the list some other time.