some

SERIOUS tugging at the heartstrings.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

i think there's a pattern.

i think there's a not so convenient understanding.

i think there's an underestimated outcome.

i think there's going to be something bigger than expected.

i think there's going to be a lot of exploration

i think there's going to be more tears

i think there's going to be more genuine smiles and laughter

i think there's going to be a change in me I never believed could happen

i think there's something beautiful about breaking

i think there's something wonderful about healing

i think there's a lot I just don't get but I'm opening my eyes a little wider each day.

spinning round and round in circles, remembering, feeling, hiding, opening up, letting go, pulling closer, wondering, dreaming, praying, crying out, surrender, holding on, and just and just everything.

I trust You will hold me as hell breaks loose

Psalm 27 (The Message)

Psalm 27

A David Psalm

¹ Light, space, zest— that's God!
So, with him on my side I'm fearless,
afraid of no one and nothing.

² When vandal hordes ride down
ready to eat me alive,
Those bullies and toughs
fall flat on their faces.

³ When besieged,
I'm calm as a baby.
When all hell breaks loose,
I'm collected and cool.

⁴ I'm asking God for one thing,
only one thing:
To live with him in his house
my whole life long.
I'll contemplate his beauty;
I'll study at his feet.

⁵ That's the only quiet, secure place
in a noisy world,
The perfect getaway,
far from the buzz of traffic.

⁶ God holds me head and shoulders
above all who try to pull me down.
I'm headed for his place to offer anthems
that will raise the roof!
Already I'm singing God-songs;
I'm making music to God.

^7-9 Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs:
"Be good to me! Answer me!"
When my heart whispered, "Seek God,"
my whole being replied,
"I'm seeking him!"
Don't hide from me now!

^9-10 You've always been right there for me;
don't turn your back on me now.
Don't throw me out, don't abandon me;
you've always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
but God took me in.

^11-12 Point me down your highway, God;
direct me along a well-lighted street;
show my enemies whose side you're on.
Don't throw me to the dogs,
those liars who are out to get me,
filling the air with their threats.

^13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.

bloody and beautiful

I LOVE the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications.Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live. -Psalm 116:1-2 AMPLIFIED

You know what's funny when you go through such an intense season and God starts to speak to you about the next...and you start to feel the transition into the new season. And then the intensity of that season suddenly socks you in the gut with everything it has....all over again? [[[[I guess it just has to go out with a bang....quite literally. ]]]] Ahahah I love it, that was this week. The explosion of righteous indignation: Coughed up a lot of spiritual blood, cried my eyes out, freaking lost my cool and wanted to murder the devil so bad for putting up such a fight against me, but you know what I totally count it all jOy.
One of my mentors told me this so many times and I really love it "things will get worse before they get better".... I truly believe it....I think when you're facing so much resistance, attack, and everything seems to fall through....it's a big neon sign saying hey you're going in the right direction. Satan doesn't want you to have it all...he doesn't want you to be in the perfect will of God, he gags at the thought of you inheriting the blessings of God. So much righteous indignation sprung up from this particular occasion of the getting worse this time... & I really feel like walls were knocked down in the spiritual realm this week/weekend. It's always going to hold true that what the enemy meant for evil God turns around for good. He can't ever win, he won't ever win. What a summer it's been. But this was the week I'll probably never ever forget.
I love God so much and I love that He loves me enough to allow me to be strengthened. I am living in His dream for my life...and more and more the vision is set beautifully before me. Sometimes it takes a lot of blood---taking up your cross daily is radically redefined in my mind. Hope, hope, HOpe! I will always have hOpe in God;;;; and I have NEVER and will never say contrary to such. God spoke this to me tonight: "the unstoppable life planned for you".... think about it. UNSTOPPABLE.

Romans 10:14-15

When someone who does not live for God looks at a paper of your dreams and says it's beautiful, tells you that your diligence amazes them, and that they are blown away by what you've accomplished- it's somehow a blessing of shocking proportions.
I think it's an amazing source of affirmation that you have lived by what you've said, your integrity has not burnt up in falsehood, that you indeed are light to the world and a genuine hOpe to those who see it.

Thank you, for saying what you said.
And thank you for letting me be a part of your life.
<3

Be who God created you to be through and through, [and] thRivE. LIVE YOUR LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT THOSE WHO ARE SEARCHING WILL FIND REASON TO TURN ONTO THE PATH YOUR FEET ARE SET UPON. -----------------------------------

I just can't sleep and the thoughts are exploding.

disclosure: The point of this is not a person...other than of course myself.... despite references and choice of wording.... this is however thought mixed with inspiration.... and well I dont expect it to make a whole lot of sense to anyone. And not positive even a disclosure could help you understand that.

---------------

Almost to the point of tears, throughout the evening I wanted to make that claim. Tears swell, and then a few moments later my heart has talked me into laughter. The one thing I thought wouldn't even happen, did, it must have been hours, and days upon days. But something, in the midst of restlessness even allowed me to stop keeping count. And there's something burning on the inside of me. I'm not sure what's going to happen and exactly where I'm going to stand weeks from now. But the vision remains in front of my eyes...of this young woman with my name. It's the mirror, but with a future reflection. I know her somehow, and she remembers me. And I've been walking this whole time, one foot, the next foot, step by step, at the pace of revelation.

I've never wanted anyone aside from Jesus to get on their knees next to me as I figured everything out until I'm blue in the face from screaming. I haven't desired that depth of companionship. But more and more I'm seeing---I just want someone to truly ask me.... how I am. But that will not be the sustenance to which I am satisfied. God alone, in God alone. And where I have never spoken, I am going to speak. None of this ambition is inspired by fear, I have been true friends with faith through thick and thin.
God told me to do some very SPECIFIC things with my life this year. And I most certainly proceeded to do them. Little did I know everything would be flipped upside down, persecution would thrash against me like a bunch of jagged thorns, every feeling from the spectrum of death to life has probably had it's share in me over the course of this year. And my dear friends, I have never once claimed perfection....so excuse my honesty if you must...but I prefer you take it all.

I’ve waited for your every word today. But what could it matter to me? Courtesy reflects the trash in your pocket, a small forgettable. I would say to you from honest lips, what I could give. Taken lightly, is how I have received the way you took. We will learn, at least from the perspective I’ve attained--- that a word’s integrity depends solely on it’s corresponding actions. Don’t we all know this, it’s rather elementary. I keep hearing several words entwined around a moving picture…I believe they refer to this as a memory. And sure as anything it was all a moment of honesty. And I just ache to see it’s falsehood now.
I waited for the answer [lately]. I longed for some discernment into chaotic fragments of the whole falling all around me. Your heart can settle in remedies…but then time reminds you of the requirements of true healing. I will not speak of what I do not know. And what I do not know I will not stop pondering. What balance will I find? The pendulum swings back and forth, in a deadly pace. You might not want to stand in between this. God, He laughs, like the Father He is it’s not such a risk to intervene. You protect me when I’m shoving myself under my own burdens. And it’s as if I see this so many different ways. Understanding falling and rising, by point of view. I know I have taken the necessary path to gain a right standing in all of this, and it’s only fair to provide the benefit of the doubt for the other members of this party. It’s what I know is true, and what I do not know, and what hurt comes from experiencing what I’ve taken away from myself. I’ve placed so much in a single envelope, sloppy writing- the proof of anxiety. I’ve torn to pieces what I couldn’t stand to possess any longer. And then I find myself in front of this (or that) once insignificant place, now a monument to replaying vividly something inside my heart. And one thing, is breaking my insides to pieces. It all revolves around this frail honesty, that lacked something substantial. I am not sure what this means to me. And in so many ways I hate to let it mean anything. It’s always been a strength of mine, to end when I say stop, and to let go when I commanded. And now as I speak these things---- it seems an echo of it all comes thrashing through my ear drums in the middle of peace; to start a beginning in the midst of a conclusion. It does not shake what good has been done. It has not succeeded to eliminate progress. It has only asked me to learn more, to dig deeper, to find something else. What will I discover from this, what purpose will it serve me? In the end I have discovered one thing, the human heart is not at all what you think it is. Left to your own interpretation or not, I will claim there is fruit from this field of countless seeds.

living in God's reality.

"Oh there's a hope in you...such a hope, and you are called to bring that hope to many people"

------------I believe it.--------------

What a beautiful week. With 150 young people finding themselves at the feet of our Jesus. He spoke, He revealed, He healed, He transformed my life. My 4th GC Camp, and it was rad! And to think I KNOW if I would have resisted coming to camp the first time 3 years ago, I might not even be alive to sit here and type this. It's such a thrilling thing, to escape the world and find yourself alone with God. All the stuff God did in my life and spoke to me this year, was refined and clarified. And even more so, what a privilege to be able to show God my love for Him 4 days straight!

I don't really have the words to say.....but I am ready to live life in a new way. And I am ready to reach out to people like never before.

Lamentations 2:19 NLT
Rise during the night and cry out.
Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him in prayer,
pleading for your children,
for in every street
they are faint with hunger.

NKJV
Arise, cry out in the night,
At the beginning of the watches;
Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord.
Lift your hands toward Him
For the life of your young children,
Who faint from hunger at the head of every street.