you, me, and a whole lot of fire.

So many people are going through attack right now. As a church, we are the bride of Christ. It's not just some figurative poetic art spewed out from the pens of the writers of the New Testament. Truly every person actively involved, will hold up the pillars of the church in miraculous ways. Whether it be behind the scenes or not, it could not be lived without. It is true that God will use someone else to do what He's intended for you to do, but it breaks His heart to do that. And so when we struggle, our actions are vital to those around us. We are all going through something, but are we all dealing with it right? What you go through is for a reason. And through those things you will find yourself in God, and learn how to use it for a divine purpose.

Bitterness, confusion, the feeling of failure, not feeling like yourself, not being satisfied with what you have, feeling sick and tired of this and that or everything, feeling like you haven't done things the right way, not being able to commune with God, or hear His voice, etc. It seems like these are some household names in the hearts of the people around me, and even they were in mine.

So what happens? For me, I was so over with the way things were I began to cry out to God. And all of the sudden, the familiar voice that had seemed so distant began to speak once again. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I've been fighting through, this isn't the prodigal's daughter writing in her blog. But I began to understand something as He spoke, the fire of refinement (if you read the Psalm in my previous blog) is a huge test of the way I respond to and rely on God. You combat attack with humbling yourself in prayer. Prayer is one of the greatest forms of humility, a continuous sign you can within yourself do nothing, and need to rely on God.

So for me. My intimacy with God was replaced with the stress of the attacks hitting my life. I felt like I was striving for air to breath, bruised like never before. And I know it was something I needed to go through (brought out into rich fulfillment). It is easy to be caught up in what you are doing, what you are experiencing, and the things entrusted to you, and it's not that those things are bad, but the root of why you have them, should be your greatest priority. Do you understand what I am saying? Intimacy with God. Because I was caught up in leading, interns, media, discipling, being faithful, campus clubs, attack on my life, etc, etc!----that I was in way distant from the love of God and my love for Him. It wasn't that I was doing those things with a numb heart, it was that I wasn't whole heartedly pursuing God while I was doing them. All the while He was violently fighting for me. I loved God through all of those things, but how deep was my passion, and how much was I focused in on it? You can always be passionate, but can you be really passionate? God wants each of us so bad, do we forget that? Is it just an absentminded thing we acknowledge in fleeting thoughts? NO. NO NO NO NO! And as I began to grab ahold of this, I spoke openly to God and pressed into His presence like never before.

Sometimes when it feels the hardest, the best thing you can do is praise God, thank Him, and never stop. The Bible says to punish all disobedience with obedience...it's easy to think that refers to a deliberate sin, but what about an attitude, a feeling of discouragement, hurt, brokenness? I punished those things with humility. One of the keys to pressing through these past two weeks for me has been going to the prayer vigils. I can honestly say my life has been one hundred percent changed if not more. I will never be the same, and my relationship with God is being completely transformed. I had to come to God and press through until there was a tangible change in the way I felt for Him, and what I received from Him. It's kind of hard to explain.

It's easy to focus on what is going wrong, why it's happening, and how it's affecting the way we serve the church, and how we give ourselves to God. But really, what does Jesus say to us, "come to me all who are weary....I WILL GIVE YOU REST....My yoke is EASY and My burden is light".... do you get it? God wants us to let everything past and present to be surrendered to Him. It's okay to go through things, it's not okay to struggle through it on your own strength, or to think You are a sinner for going through it. So many people are not willing to admit they feel that way, but in their heart of hearts they are wrestling with the fact that they feel they are unfaithful, not living up to their fullest potential, or some degree of beating themselves up for the current things they are going through. And all the while God, in His perfect love is saying "come to Me- I will give you rest, come speak to Me- I have the answers and I care about how you feel, come trust in me- I won't ever contradict my faithfulness to you, come be with Me- I want to be everything you need". What is it that we need, whatever it is, God wants us to come to Him because He has it. All of it.

I have never loved God more than I do now. I really haven't.
Seven months, or however long it has been of interns has completely changed everything. There is not one part of it I could belittle or do without. It is so true what Pastor Casey said about it, things you go through in interns, take most Christians years if not decades to work out, figure out on their own. It's a season of the wilderness, the blessing, the truly finding who you are in Christ, the testing, the humbling, the searching, the leading, it is a time where you begin to understand how to live your life the way God truly created you to live it. I flourished in the anointing before I started, I had the disciples, I had the relationship with God, I had, I had, I had, but now I've come from a state of maturity, to a state of greater maturity. And for that in itself I am so thankful.

I met with Pastor Casey on Friday and we were talking about all the things in my life. And I was so thankful to know I live my life with people who are committed to see me thrive. And that's what it's like in our intimacy with God. He wants us to thrive in everything, but how does it happen? By us focusing completely on Him. Out of that flows the grace, anointing, stength, wisdom, and ability to do everything we will ever need to do in life.

The start of a new season, the end of the fire.

Psalm 66

1 Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!
² Sing out the honor of His name;
Make His praise glorious.
³ Say to God,
“How awesome are Your works!
Through the greatness of Your power
Your enemies shall submit themselves to You.
⁴ All the earth shall worship You
And sing praises to You;
They shall sing praises to Your name.” Selah

⁵ Come and see the works of God;
He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men.
⁶ He turned the sea into dry land;
They went through the river on foot.
There we will rejoice in Him.
⁷ He rules by His power forever;
His eyes observe the nations;
Do not let the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah

⁸ Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
⁹ Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
¹⁰ For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
¹¹ You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
¹² You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

¹³ I will go into Your house with burnt offerings;
I will pay You my vows,
¹⁴ Which my lips have uttered
And my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble.
¹⁵ I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals,
With the sweet aroma of rams;
I will offer bulls with goats. Selah

¹⁶ Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
¹⁷ I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
¹⁸ If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
¹⁹ But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.

²⁰ Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

Staining the white picket fence.

A little something from notes I took today.

"If you never give up the right you'll never get anything back ["I count these things as rubbish"]..."

DO YOU WANT THE AMERICAN DREAM OR DO YOU WANT GOD'S DREAM?

Rights you get to give up to God:
(some of the scripture references might be wrong,
I didn't double check and they were said really fast...!)

1. The right to eat
-Matthew 4:1-2, Matthew 6:25, Luke 4:2
2. The right to sleep
- Luke 6:12, Luke 22:40-46, Matthew 26:39-41
3. The right to privacy
- Mark 8:2, John 19:23, John 6:3-5, Matthew 14:13
4. The right to marriage
- Ephesians 5:25, Matthew 22:30, Luke 20:34-35
5. The right to a house
- Matthew 8:20, Matthew 6:20-33, John 14:1-8
6. The right to an honorable reputation
- Philippians 2:7, Isaiah 3:3, John 18:30
7. The right to possessions
- Mark 15:34, Matthew 8:4,8,10
8. The right to live
- Philippians 2:8

End of notes.... =]

The misconception of this root of character, is self-entitlement. Everything, is a gift from God. We don't rightfully deserve anything, our righteousness as filthy rags. The commonly quoted Matthew 6:33, is exactly the key- all these things God will add to you, but what about the seasons where your pride is tested, and you are asked to give them up? I was thinking about all this. It shatters the American dream that's for sure, but there's something beautiful about being humbled. You learn to love nothing more than God. The times where all these things are ripped from us, are probably some of the best times for us- testing and building our character, shaping our attitudes, equipping us to walk worthy of the calling to which we were called. [[[Counting it all joy, not loving your live unto death, counting these things as rubbish, to live is Christ to die is gain, He must increase I must decrease, etc, etc. ]]]


Psalm 27:4 ESV
One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.

What is the one thing you are asking for? What it your current distracting hope, desire, thought? What is your heart pumping blood for?

....the axe laying root.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I've been tearing down my room all morning. God started speaking to me last night about starting fresh in the practical ways. I don't know about you, but for some reason it just feels good to take things off of your wall, rip things up, make piles of trash, and look at empty space with new potential. It's not like I was even throwing away evidence of sin or something- just scriptures, pictures, things. I erased my to do list off the board above my desk, i erased all my text messages, I erased, I erased, I erased... simple things.

Last night I put on repeat the worship song that was played at GC Camp, the first time I truly worshiped God as I rededicated my life to Him. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but always, the signifying of new seasons, the breaking down of huge barriers, the feeling of complete brokenness, whatever it is I can easily commune with God, those words emphasizing the vitality of my life, His presence peacefully coming in.

A couple months ago God started speaking to me from a passage in the New Testament, "even now the axe has been laid root to the trees......" (Matthew 3:10), it made sense but I could see God was speaking from a long-distance perspective. The fulfillment of something I new wasn't persay huge or significant in the eyes of others, but for me it would change my whole life. Even then, the axe began to lay root, but now moreso than ever, the blade sinks in.


[[and I just keep saying]] I am so happy to be alive.

a loose grip would be too tight

Then He said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." -Luke 9:23-24

I was thinking about how I've confided in certain people, friends- lately more than I have confided in God, the one who hears the echos in the depths of my heart, the things that revolve round and round, till sense has made its way through. I was telling someone the night before I was over something, not able to take it, feeling cut open in such an inconvenient way. I've been asking so much lately, trying to make sense of all this, asking God. But I'm just thinking about how I need to just sit down and talk to Him. I think it's when I'm hurting that it's hardest for me to do that. But I've come to an un-fatal conclusion: I truly can't handle them on my own. He takes my burden, He always has, and that's the thing. Independence is a huge barrier, and I'm so glad God was and will continue to be persistent in breaking mine down. Every once in a while I have to remind myself of that; and be assured God wants my whole life, even the most bloody and torn apart pieces. When you are in the perfect will of God (I don't care if that sounds cliche) the accusations, assumptions, and attacks that are thrown on you are sometimes unescapable. Not everyone will understand the cost you paid for, not everyone will perceive the vision you are staring hard at, not everyone will respect the decisions you are making to become the person you were created to be, and not everyone will love you in a way that is the way you need because of where you are. But for what it's worth (and it's worth everything in a far more infinate way than temporate) you never could live without those things, and feel successful. I anticipate the moment I'm wide awake and spill these words out, arise cry out, further exposing the things I've laid out, pouring out my heart like water before the face of the Lord. That moment starts now.


UPDATED 4.13.09
(Something I read from Pastor Casey's blog)
"In the Proverbs it has this to say regarding information: v. 29:11 - Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. v. 29:20 - There is more help for a fool than someone who speaks without thinking. Wow! Those are some cutting verses. If you don’t want people to know your heart...don’t post it on a blog, twitter or facebook/myspace. If you want to tell the world, then by all means post away. Just be prepared for the repercussions. An interesting part of verse 20, it says there’s more help for a fool. If you read the psalms and proverbs, you recognize the disdain and annoyance that a fool causes. But in this verse the bible says that there’s more hope for a fool than for somebody who vomits their emotions to everyone. Do you have a burden? Do you have a problem? Do you have issues? First of all, we all do. Second, that stuff is perfect to express to Jesus in your personal prayer time."

even though he was talking about what you say online, it still applies to what you say offline, hah. =]

Umbrageous or not

Begin.
An emphatically irritating pulse through my veins. Dull, and yet numbing. I want to tell the whole world, (and when I say whole, a select few will do perfectly fine) just understand me for a second, look at these things I've found to see, question, understand. Words like blades cutting through my perception, all the more encouraging of fatigue. [And yet] Shaking off the dust from my feet, stained red from shattered glass pathways. Counting it all joy, falling upon these various trials like shards. Cleaning your wounds with the words of another will satisfy temporarily, but I'm listening, waiting, for that still small voice. Confirmation. And if I go to wash my cuts in the secret place, and there I am cleansed, when I walk back out- your understanding of my health will not phase me. End.

(I like that photograph Not that amazing but I like it. I need to start up again, I took that ages ago).

&

only one word comes to mind.