Put this into perspective.

It's the coldest hand against my throat, and I just can't breathe enough to let out anything worth living through. I remember so much, and for some odd reason in an instant I can cease to feel it anymore and believe things are different. But there's a point where I have to think it all through, examine what every part of me is experiencing..and realize there is a plot behind it all..one I have not created...but one I am a part of.
I felt for some time I was standing in the midst of this and just understanding it for myself. At this point after so much and so many times, I didn't think there'd be any left to stand by and tell me they had my back. You can watch from a distance and come after. But no one's going to hit me like that anymore, no one's going to get so close to destroy any part of my life. But there's a glimpse of another attempt..and I'm just not sure why. There were such brutally honest words proceeding from the lips of one....admitting all the intention behind the action....and after such...how can anything ever be reinvented?
The weirdest thing is when you begin to read through a situation and make an assessment of what is truly going on. You start to see something that is rather unfortunate and there's a bit of heart left in you, telling you no that can't possibly be. But a few occurrences later your heart may be soft, but you are in fact seeing just how possible it is. No one wants that pain, or to say that's part of their story- but it's realistically part of so many people's.

I just can't finish this now.

Here is my heart

Here is my heart
Here is my heart
You can have it all.
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Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. -Song of Solomon 8:6-7 NIV

i LOVE

the sound of rain
the way street lights look at night
how the streets reflect the lights at night when there's rain everywhere
& driving. driving, drivingggggggg.

you'll do just fine.

it all happens so fast
you thought, you tried, you encountered
it was broken at the moment's last
and then again you have stopped yourself
but no one looks at what you've caught
everyone's searching for that one thing
you said you forgot
and all the while it was ringing in your heart
a resounding and brilliantly loud
sound of compassionate belonging
the essence of the reason behind
all that makes you fall apart
to your heart and mind
but when they look at you
this is not what they find
sick to your stomach
alive in your words
there's nothing quite enough for you to be proud
there's nothing quite enough for you to be ashamed
hurting, striving, searching
but it's going to be on this day
this time where you are broken
and ill-fated words are the only ones spoken
you have to face it
it's the only sound to be heard
the song of repentance
has not drifted away
you've realized how much you felt blamed
but you were so quick to catch it as it came your way
the words floating off of one's mouth with ease
and it's that one thing...you never expected
and this time you have closure
this time you see your innocence
this time you say it is in fact over
and someone stands there to draw the line

think about it.

Pastor Natalie asked the intern girls a great question today: "what do you want to be remembered [known] for?"

This is what I said.
1. As someone who truly has placed God as the focus of their life & loves Him with a whole heart
2. Someone who would give anything, count any cost, be selfless, lay down my life for God. Nothing's too much, too important, too valuable.

"This is the assigned moment for Him to move into
the center, while I slip off to the sidelines."
-John 3:30

see

Acts 9:18-19 Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, and after taking some food, he regained his strength.

revolutionize -verb; effect a radical change in, to fill with revolutionary purposes.

C L A R I T Y
& it's changing, strengthening, and transforming my life.