Sincerely as opposed to unsincerely.

Writing the letter I've needed to write for quite some time. It's been long enough. And I'm opening my eyes once again, there's life past all of this. And no matter what I'm choosing forgiveness.

Romans

I've always loved the book of Romans, and I've just started to meditate on it in the Message version. I really am being refreshed, and God is speaking. I recommend it!

And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. -Romans 5:2-4

so here's to what it is

something's telling me there's the whole grand scheme of redemption for this rather flesh tearing situation... but I'm a little past over it, and more than ready to say it's whatever. I hate being able to see right through...but don't you know truth isn't always a beautiful perception..but it is a rather clear one. I was angry for a long time, and sometimes I wake up with the sick to my stomach feeling...but it's not something I cherish enough to hold onto. I always say it's got to be real- so in essence I must love the fact that I can in fact SEE what I am seeing.

I've begun to say many prayers over the course of these long and fading months...prayers that are relentless yet still striving for their strength. It's a foundation built upon words, tears, hopes, and stumbling faith. I know it's coming together more than it was...and somehow I'm standing still as the waves are violently raging. He will come to say peace be still...but He's also coming when I'm trusting of His strength. Did you ever think you were completely in faith to the Creator, then find yourself collapsed on bruised knees, realizing you ran a little longer on your own strength than you intended? Humble me Christ, there's nothing inside of me I desire the way I desire what's in You.

There's moments now where I can breathe more free in regards to the above. These moments are no longer few and far between, but close, rhythmic, and seemingly without disturbance. There's still a chain or two..but I'm watching freedom become a completing work. I always come back to this...His ways are not my ways, His thoughts- not my thoughts. And for some reason as the stars light up the sky at night, people fall asleep and their dreams rapidly progress, one's born with a perfectly beating heart....the wind blows, the rain falls....it's all intended... and when it falls out of balance...it's formed back into a purpose...it's maneuvered to work wonders.

the violent.....

the devil may want jurisdiction over the things in your life
but when it comes down to it, it belongs to you
and what belongs to you ultimately belongs to God.
Get mad, for heaven's sake get a little righteous indignation
AND take it back. Take it all back
The devil is the biggest fool you'll ever meet,
and what he takes, he doesn't have the courage to fight to keep



.....take it by force.

if i was keeping your tally...this would be attempt 1287389798783

You could use some of my courage...obviously words are your biggest fear.

But the fact of the matter is, I'm over this.
I'm done.
-------this is not an exception.

Truth reveals itself....even when it's attempted to be hidden....it's just that brightly lit among the darkness. So carry on if you insist, just know...


For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.- Luke 8:17

Put this into perspective.

It's the coldest hand against my throat, and I just can't breathe enough to let out anything worth living through. I remember so much, and for some odd reason in an instant I can cease to feel it anymore and believe things are different. But there's a point where I have to think it all through, examine what every part of me is experiencing..and realize there is a plot behind it all..one I have not created...but one I am a part of.
I felt for some time I was standing in the midst of this and just understanding it for myself. At this point after so much and so many times, I didn't think there'd be any left to stand by and tell me they had my back. You can watch from a distance and come after. But no one's going to hit me like that anymore, no one's going to get so close to destroy any part of my life. But there's a glimpse of another attempt..and I'm just not sure why. There were such brutally honest words proceeding from the lips of one....admitting all the intention behind the action....and after such...how can anything ever be reinvented?
The weirdest thing is when you begin to read through a situation and make an assessment of what is truly going on. You start to see something that is rather unfortunate and there's a bit of heart left in you, telling you no that can't possibly be. But a few occurrences later your heart may be soft, but you are in fact seeing just how possible it is. No one wants that pain, or to say that's part of their story- but it's realistically part of so many people's.

I just can't finish this now.

Here is my heart

Here is my heart
Here is my heart
You can have it all.
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Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. -Song of Solomon 8:6-7 NIV