of course we've all seen the sun.

"I never could explain why I keep coming back... From brilliant lights to a subtle dim; from open fields to walls that are caving in... I don't want to
leave, but I should go."
an excerpt of most recent
One thing that can consume a moment and then buy out a period of time.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." -voice one.

Do you know I never knew it'd be this way. Of course no one can predict the way life will be. You may have your presumptions and preconceived notions, but I'm willing to bet you wouldn't bet too much that you're dead on correct.

"How are you doing?" -voice two.

It seems as if the roles reversed. I would not expect. As the dog turns back to his vomit...I'm seeing this whole broken record formula at the cost of my own betrayal. If you must do this, do it elsewhere and leave me be. My face was stained black and my eyes were stinging from it. My hands couldn't really stretch out far enough, and I trembled with each passing tear.

"Saw you crying tonight it was really intense". -voice three.
But it was lifted. And there was that sense of unwavering hope. Have you ever felt that? In the midst of your deepest pain, your hardest betrayal, your worst persecution...the hope of your calling, and excitement for something better shines the light straight through you and all you can do is pick yourself up and start to run.

And so I'm writing out the stories of these different time periods in my life. For intern's Counseling 101 class....

cool.

jesusbranded.com has some interesting art work. :]

fire fall down.

There's so much I want to say.
What a life it is that I live.

There's been some traumatic events, some healing moments, and some absolute breakthrough and answer to prayer. I am so thankful to God and His undying faithfulness to my life. A lot has happened since interns started. God explained to me during my first year of interns that He would begin taking me through the fire and that He would bring me out into the rich fulfillment. I never knew, or fathomed such a season of fire and how painful, beautiful, and refining it would be. And the rich fulfillment is coming into view...my life yielding the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

God wants us broken. And when we aren't He'll break us or allow something to break us. For what purpose? To become more whole than you were ever able to be before. Call me crazy but it's one of my favorite things, to be broken down, to count it all joy in various trials--to truly be strengthened by what is so truthfully and dis-eloquently put: not easy.

1. A month ago I was taken advantage of in a way that tears at my heart and spirit. 2. A couple weeks ago I put my foot down at a violent rage of verbal abuse and left my house for good. 3. Everything has been going under more and more fire in ways I had not suspected. BUT all in all I've been trusting in God more than ever and crying out to Him.

I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. -Philippians 4:12-13 MSG

After five years of enduring some of the most painful situations at home God turned something traumatic around to open the doors to something peacefully right for me. And the other events besides at home [[like 1]] sure did a toll on my heart and I was angry and confused and to the point of tears left and right, and now I'm watching restoration gracefully wind it's way through the situations. Satan or anyone for that matter can steal anything they want from you physically, naturally, emotionally...but they can't ever take away your HOPE, FAITH, or CALLING.

I've been talking a lot with God these days. Genuine and heartfelt conversations with the one who loves me most. And He's been revealing to me myself the way He sees me. He's been explaining every part of the path my feet have stepped on. He's been showing me His ways and clarifying His whispers through the words of others around me. And I'm experiencing this abundance of life in the midst of death, loss, persecution, and brokenness. And a freedom that enables me to press in so hard to the kingdom of God, because you know, the violent take it by force :].


From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. -NIV
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force. -NASB
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. -NKJV

the bigger picture.

Trauma for me, so often was unspoken, bottled up and sent out on the sea of my past. I was aware as I walked upon the beach those bottles would somehow find their way to cross my path once again. Opening up these glass bottles with old and simple notebook paper.... who knew could hurt more than anything. Funny thing.... Pastor Ted used that same analogy yesterday in a message.... &&& the feeling of being numb was beginning to diminish.

Dr. Ted Roberts: "I want you to use the hand you don't normally use to draw a picture of the worst memory of your childhood" The purpose...to access the limbic system...and find yourself one step closer to a true healing. "and then tell someone that story, let them pray for you". WOW.

So much of my life was pain, hurt, and betrayal, hell on earth. So much I acknowledged with partiality and chose to run hard and fast and move on. I've been thinking about that old garment Jesus spoke of, and how it would surely rip if we placed a new piece of cloth on it to cover a hole. Healing means something so much more. Retracing my brokenness and working through it looks completely different than I thought. God started speaking to me a lot this summer about certain things in my life and how they were a result of certain things done to me...and really I wasn't sure how to resolve what tore me down...but I kept going to God in prayer, listening to His voice. It's interesting we had this healing conference....I thought it would be completely different...but it's sole intention was to access the deepest parts of who you are. I had no clue what God has in store for me this weekend. You can be happy, you can be strong, you can be walking in God's will.....and still not be whole. I always viewed my past and simply that...passed...I passed it by and kept going. Sure I took so much of it to prayer and spoke the word over myself and felt a freedom....but it's still there. Just like a book just because you read the first 100 pages and keep going, doesn't mean those words magically disappear or lose their impact....and as your sitting there reading and the wind blows...and the pages somehow fly back and you re read those lines that choked you up... maybe it doesn't hit so hard at first...but oh you'll feel something.
Things I haven't thought of for years came back to me. But I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry. I could feel the perfect peace of Jesus, His arms around me.... and it didn't really matter what had happened. The envelope.....the truck.....the angry shouts.....the crying my self to sleep....those two years where I hadn't seen a certain face..... the stash of an unsuccessful remedy at the side of my bed..... the words "what reason would I ever have to believe in you"...... the phone call from the police.....the many many things that could take days and months to speak of.... a motion picture of small and big events....18 years in the making.

& Freedom. Beautifully untainted, openly given to me.
At surrender of my own battlegrounds, He took me to His dwelling place.

I love God so much. It's crazy how you can feel free and alive and whole, and then God shows you how to become that even more so. There is no shame in a transparency of your own testimony. You cannot despise the fact that you had to live your life outside of a sheltered box. You can love the fact that God turned it all around for good... and there was a divine purpose in what you went through. You can find hope in the fact that someone else will be able to be delivered by just hearing you tell of your own liberation. They overcame by the word of THEIR testimony. That wasn't written in the Bible to make you feel bad.

A new perspective. A new understanding. Anddddd once more........... I opened my eyes and felt life ALL OVER AGAIN.

the locket.

this undefined perspective.
i searched for hours. days. weeks.




.



and only an envelope holds the answers i know of. and thinly printed pages binded together with thousands of words filled with life...slowly show me what those things scrawled accross scraps and stuffed into the white envelope truly mean.

for some reason....i began to write a letter even. the things i knew to say and couldn't when i froze up and my head was spinning and my heart was deciding how to beat..... i found them flowing from the tip of a pen better than my own lips.



im observant.
im taking it all in.
im hearing.
im interpreting.
im R E S P o N D I N G.



i want to define it.
someday soon.

a work of God.

"who do I have in heaven but You, who do I have in earth but You, and then it becomes a work of God in our own minds and our own hearts"

some

SERIOUS tugging at the heartstrings.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

i think there's a pattern.

i think there's a not so convenient understanding.

i think there's an underestimated outcome.

i think there's going to be something bigger than expected.

i think there's going to be a lot of exploration

i think there's going to be more tears

i think there's going to be more genuine smiles and laughter

i think there's going to be a change in me I never believed could happen

i think there's something beautiful about breaking

i think there's something wonderful about healing

i think there's a lot I just don't get but I'm opening my eyes a little wider each day.

spinning round and round in circles, remembering, feeling, hiding, opening up, letting go, pulling closer, wondering, dreaming, praying, crying out, surrender, holding on, and just and just everything.