on life's timeline...history so far past

It can['t] be. It's almost "safe" to say it won't be. Brushed up against this frame of time. And all the while it's like I'm breathing this fresh air for the first time. It used to dawn on me in such a chilling way-- the impact of pain this caused me.
Ages ago....I was telling this story with an upset stomach to someone close and dear. She told me oh no, this was not your fault. There is a release in vulnerability. What makes no sense at all sometimes is after betrayal there can still be a sensitivity & compassion towards that person. But also it makes perfect sense. But this ribbon tied between the two, I've cut the scarlet bow. Today I cringed at flashbacks. Today I smiled at hope. These things I speak of, these things are fleeting. These things have no harmony, they just speak out monotonous and resounding nothingness. Sometimes I think you can think you've caught on to what's being said..but really you are clueless. It's like that bit of anticipation acquainted with nerves on the fritz when you overhear bits and pieces of a dialogue and believe the said subject is indeed you.
I had to realize or at least accept that this familiarity in the breeze would be a constant. Will be a constant. And it's not like I have to praise it's every entrance. You just keep moving. You just keep going.

"slow down you crazy child take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright you can afford to miss a day or two"

You can live with. You can endure. But you can also experience the freedom. You can see it all go away. Our God's not a band-aid God. He's going to cut you open for the surgery, stitch ya closed. And help you through the recovery until you walk into full health.

watch it correlate to past and present....if not...but so. again you can't be confident they are indeed talking about you.

I was slouching over the counter taking a slow yet necessary breath. Not really looking for much. A friend had tried to shove me in a room moments before, thought'd it would be funny to place me where the nonsense was taking place. Little did friend know it would have bruised me badly if I had walked in. Something stopped me and it was explained to me afterward what was behind the door. But what was behind made way to me- in another room, slouching on the counter. I couldn't close my eyes. And casually I remained composed...all the while thinking why is this taking place. Has integrity been forgotten. Hasn't the damage been done and been made apparent in these eyes? My tears aren't sparkling glimmers of a beautiful something. I wouldn't even come close to that description. I remember the night under the black sky. "Don't cry, please don't cry. Now I feel like......" How can you do what you do and not let one grieve? I believe it's a mandatory part of recatching your breath. If composure was lost I'm sorry. But I left perfection at the door a long time ago when I became friends with reality. Another envelope.

humorous in the end

What an interesting day it's been.
Missed both Sunday services cause I couldn't get out of bed.
Near death experience with Pastor Natalie.

Another health episode, had to have Dillon get me from the media booth.
&&&& I still want to watch this.

of course we've all seen the sun.

"I never could explain why I keep coming back... From brilliant lights to a subtle dim; from open fields to walls that are caving in... I don't want to
leave, but I should go."
an excerpt of most recent
One thing that can consume a moment and then buy out a period of time.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." -voice one.

Do you know I never knew it'd be this way. Of course no one can predict the way life will be. You may have your presumptions and preconceived notions, but I'm willing to bet you wouldn't bet too much that you're dead on correct.

"How are you doing?" -voice two.

It seems as if the roles reversed. I would not expect. As the dog turns back to his vomit...I'm seeing this whole broken record formula at the cost of my own betrayal. If you must do this, do it elsewhere and leave me be. My face was stained black and my eyes were stinging from it. My hands couldn't really stretch out far enough, and I trembled with each passing tear.

"Saw you crying tonight it was really intense". -voice three.
But it was lifted. And there was that sense of unwavering hope. Have you ever felt that? In the midst of your deepest pain, your hardest betrayal, your worst persecution...the hope of your calling, and excitement for something better shines the light straight through you and all you can do is pick yourself up and start to run.

And so I'm writing out the stories of these different time periods in my life. For intern's Counseling 101 class....

cool.

jesusbranded.com has some interesting art work. :]

fire fall down.

There's so much I want to say.
What a life it is that I live.

There's been some traumatic events, some healing moments, and some absolute breakthrough and answer to prayer. I am so thankful to God and His undying faithfulness to my life. A lot has happened since interns started. God explained to me during my first year of interns that He would begin taking me through the fire and that He would bring me out into the rich fulfillment. I never knew, or fathomed such a season of fire and how painful, beautiful, and refining it would be. And the rich fulfillment is coming into view...my life yielding the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

God wants us broken. And when we aren't He'll break us or allow something to break us. For what purpose? To become more whole than you were ever able to be before. Call me crazy but it's one of my favorite things, to be broken down, to count it all joy in various trials--to truly be strengthened by what is so truthfully and dis-eloquently put: not easy.

1. A month ago I was taken advantage of in a way that tears at my heart and spirit. 2. A couple weeks ago I put my foot down at a violent rage of verbal abuse and left my house for good. 3. Everything has been going under more and more fire in ways I had not suspected. BUT all in all I've been trusting in God more than ever and crying out to Him.

I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. -Philippians 4:12-13 MSG

After five years of enduring some of the most painful situations at home God turned something traumatic around to open the doors to something peacefully right for me. And the other events besides at home [[like 1]] sure did a toll on my heart and I was angry and confused and to the point of tears left and right, and now I'm watching restoration gracefully wind it's way through the situations. Satan or anyone for that matter can steal anything they want from you physically, naturally, emotionally...but they can't ever take away your HOPE, FAITH, or CALLING.

I've been talking a lot with God these days. Genuine and heartfelt conversations with the one who loves me most. And He's been revealing to me myself the way He sees me. He's been explaining every part of the path my feet have stepped on. He's been showing me His ways and clarifying His whispers through the words of others around me. And I'm experiencing this abundance of life in the midst of death, loss, persecution, and brokenness. And a freedom that enables me to press in so hard to the kingdom of God, because you know, the violent take it by force :].


From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. -NIV
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force. -NASB
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. -NKJV

the bigger picture.

Trauma for me, so often was unspoken, bottled up and sent out on the sea of my past. I was aware as I walked upon the beach those bottles would somehow find their way to cross my path once again. Opening up these glass bottles with old and simple notebook paper.... who knew could hurt more than anything. Funny thing.... Pastor Ted used that same analogy yesterday in a message.... &&& the feeling of being numb was beginning to diminish.

Dr. Ted Roberts: "I want you to use the hand you don't normally use to draw a picture of the worst memory of your childhood" The purpose...to access the limbic system...and find yourself one step closer to a true healing. "and then tell someone that story, let them pray for you". WOW.

So much of my life was pain, hurt, and betrayal, hell on earth. So much I acknowledged with partiality and chose to run hard and fast and move on. I've been thinking about that old garment Jesus spoke of, and how it would surely rip if we placed a new piece of cloth on it to cover a hole. Healing means something so much more. Retracing my brokenness and working through it looks completely different than I thought. God started speaking to me a lot this summer about certain things in my life and how they were a result of certain things done to me...and really I wasn't sure how to resolve what tore me down...but I kept going to God in prayer, listening to His voice. It's interesting we had this healing conference....I thought it would be completely different...but it's sole intention was to access the deepest parts of who you are. I had no clue what God has in store for me this weekend. You can be happy, you can be strong, you can be walking in God's will.....and still not be whole. I always viewed my past and simply that...passed...I passed it by and kept going. Sure I took so much of it to prayer and spoke the word over myself and felt a freedom....but it's still there. Just like a book just because you read the first 100 pages and keep going, doesn't mean those words magically disappear or lose their impact....and as your sitting there reading and the wind blows...and the pages somehow fly back and you re read those lines that choked you up... maybe it doesn't hit so hard at first...but oh you'll feel something.
Things I haven't thought of for years came back to me. But I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry. I could feel the perfect peace of Jesus, His arms around me.... and it didn't really matter what had happened. The envelope.....the truck.....the angry shouts.....the crying my self to sleep....those two years where I hadn't seen a certain face..... the stash of an unsuccessful remedy at the side of my bed..... the words "what reason would I ever have to believe in you"...... the phone call from the police.....the many many things that could take days and months to speak of.... a motion picture of small and big events....18 years in the making.

& Freedom. Beautifully untainted, openly given to me.
At surrender of my own battlegrounds, He took me to His dwelling place.

I love God so much. It's crazy how you can feel free and alive and whole, and then God shows you how to become that even more so. There is no shame in a transparency of your own testimony. You cannot despise the fact that you had to live your life outside of a sheltered box. You can love the fact that God turned it all around for good... and there was a divine purpose in what you went through. You can find hope in the fact that someone else will be able to be delivered by just hearing you tell of your own liberation. They overcame by the word of THEIR testimony. That wasn't written in the Bible to make you feel bad.

A new perspective. A new understanding. Anddddd once more........... I opened my eyes and felt life ALL OVER AGAIN.

the locket.

this undefined perspective.
i searched for hours. days. weeks.




.



and only an envelope holds the answers i know of. and thinly printed pages binded together with thousands of words filled with life...slowly show me what those things scrawled accross scraps and stuffed into the white envelope truly mean.

for some reason....i began to write a letter even. the things i knew to say and couldn't when i froze up and my head was spinning and my heart was deciding how to beat..... i found them flowing from the tip of a pen better than my own lips.



im observant.
im taking it all in.
im hearing.
im interpreting.
im R E S P o N D I N G.



i want to define it.
someday soon.