i wonder.... well quite often i seem to do so. but i wonder what makes a question worth answering. i wonder what kinds of questions even God enjoys answering. He seems to be a mystery in so many ways to me. But maybe that's a good thing, I'm finding... He seems to get me awestruck. That's fine with me. I like to be amazed, especially if I'm unprepared.
I had to make some decisions as of lately. I like that. But it's interesting what people have to say about decisions, you know? Some say even the smallest decision will determine- where you live, who you marry, what you do, how you die. Some people say a small decision is just that, it's the big ones that count. I'm finding something as I go, and it's that I really don't have much of a clue when it comes to the grand scheme of everything. But for once in my life I'm at a place where, where my feet are standing is good for me. I've hit the ground a lot, I've hurt a lot, I've lost a lot, I've been betrayed a lot. But I've caught my breath... wind knocked out of me, bloody mouth in all.. it's nice to get to pick yourself up after it all. It's nice to know you have someone to cheer you on, don't get me wrong (and of course there were the faithful few to rough it out alongside of me)...but really God is the guy looking at me saying "it's just you and me kid"...isn't it beautiful though? Jesus has this way of black and white..this theme of simple...it's called you & Him.
cold night wasn't so cold...i look back now... i was on the phone... but someone else was calling from down the stairs... i can remember. i can see. it's funny how in the process of a memory you can tense up the exact way you did in the real moment... I had to make a decision. I had to stand off from the crowd and observe from my own point of view. There was lot of wind in my face, but it wasn't so cold.
words, words, words. and if we talked about decisions we might as well look at these vocal contributions.... people always have a lot to say about what they intended to say or what they meant to say, and Lord knows...what they could have said...but when it comes down to what needs to be said in the moment...how inarticulate are our mouths blessed to be
I've done a lot of thinking. About myself. About people. About family. About all these people floating around or out of my life. How drastically they've been able to affect me. People create decisions...people form words.... they're all so intertwined to the making of me whether they like it or not. The moment they walked into my life it was kind of a done deal. And of course v/v. So what.
and in the process of change.... the embarking of yet again something new... how the mind goes and turns and twists and weaves it's way through new dreams, inspirations, and unexplored heights. so much, my word, so much...sometimes i just have to stop answering calls....text messages i can hardly remember to reply to.... dates and times i find myself often asking for. there's a planner on the floor and a pen... but my mind it's elsewhere even as I cross these things off. browsing voicemails over checking emails mixed with a little bit of cleaning my room... it seems to explode with colors, fabrics, papers, receipts, journals, and who will ever put it away if I can't stay down to earth? i've been creating lately with butterflies in my stomach... i'm beginning to look at it all differently. there's peace in this chaos..because it's just art, life is art.
confusion and frustration. even negativity can bardge in where it's not welcome at times. this whole thing called "you" is a great something. bigger than you'd think. so it must be normal that it hurts at times. it must be part of the journey that you can't even feel a thing at times. a lot of this is smiles and tears and laughter and frowns and well it's you. feelings are a part of it all. but thank God it's not all to live by...thank God there's something more.
and as much as we go through, as much as we experience, as much as we pass on to others....there's still this excitement that it's only just the beginning.
sure we can know who we are. of course we can have a word or sense or knowledge of what we're supposed to do. but that does not guarantee a single thing. it doesn't ensure that things will play out the way you drew them on the back of napkin sitting at denny's, or in your sketchbook on the couch at home. God's grand at meeting you where you are at. God is gracious at putting life into your hands. But what you have and what you understand of what you have, is often different then what He sees and knows of it.. so yeah I realize I'm going to need that camera to capture my God-given life, and yeah I'll need those band-aids for the bloody messes, and pages and pages and pages to jot down all my findings down. I'm happy for my experiences. I'm not regretting even the times that felt dark. I'm increasingly thankful of what I've been through and who I'm becoming.
