something's telling me there's the whole grand scheme of redemption for this rather flesh tearing situation... but I'm a little past over it, and more than ready to say it's whatever. I hate being able to see right through...but don't you know truth isn't always a beautiful perception..but it is a rather clear one. I was angry for a long time, and sometimes I wake up with the sick to my stomach feeling...but it's not something I cherish enough to hold onto. I always say it's got to be real- so in essence I must love the fact that I can in fact SEE what I am seeing.
I've begun to say many prayers over the course of these long and fading months...prayers that are relentless yet still striving for their strength. It's a foundation built upon words, tears, hopes, and stumbling faith. I know it's coming together more than it was...and somehow I'm standing still as the waves are violently raging. He will come to say peace be still...but He's also coming when I'm trusting of His strength. Did you ever think you were completely in faith to the Creator, then find yourself collapsed on bruised knees, realizing you ran a little longer on your own strength than you intended? Humble me Christ, there's nothing inside of me I desire the way I desire what's in You.
There's moments now where I can breathe more free in regards to the above. These moments are no longer few and far between, but close, rhythmic, and seemingly without disturbance. There's still a chain or two..but I'm watching freedom become a completing work. I always come back to this...His ways are not my ways, His thoughts- not my thoughts. And for some reason as the stars light up the sky at night, people fall asleep and their dreams rapidly progress, one's born with a perfectly beating heart....the wind blows, the rain falls....it's all intended... and when it falls out of balance...it's formed back into a purpose...it's maneuvered to work wonders.
