and then with everything the words ......" "

[ at SF airport on the way to DC. ]

so this is what it feels
L I K E .

an adventure of understanding each experience. a culmination of just the little things that take the time to shape into the definition of self.

something happened yesterday. I'll never forget it. And how it affected today- I knew it weighed eternally. i love interns, i love being one, i'm so glad for the essence of what it is and all it has to offer, and all it allows me to give. i was thanking God for speaking to me to do it when I was 15, I didn't know exactly why but I knew I was to do it, and there's something powerful about that- about me trusting God that much....He truly has become my Father, an image that was so distorted in my mind has become this beautiful picture. when i look back its crazy for me to think that i made so many huge decisions in these past three years in the midst of rebuilding my life off of chaos, brokeness, and mess after mess from all the events of my past. the grace of God works in the most amazing ways. behind the zeal that explodes when the presence of God first becomes evident in your life, there is still your own will....and I'm just thinking about how mine became God's hands down that night in august 2006, and how from that point on nothing in my life would be the same. is it weird to be stunned by your own self? i've been a christian for almost 10 years but it wasn't until the past 3 that my life started to make sense, that I understood who God wanted to be for me, that I realized He loved me when I no longer believed in love.....and how so much love brought me to the place I currently reside. I know, I know I'm rambling..... but I'm unbelieveably thankful at this moment 12:41 am, wide awake. I can't exactly put to words the way I'm replaying life in my head, and seeing it. It's just crazy to think that you can feel something you've never felt before and know that you can trust your whole entire life when you follow that...and I'm not talking about regular feelings I'm referring to God and the way He speaks through them. and I knew my experience this year would change my life in a way I couldn't predict or expect. but I expected something life-transforming, and if you don't already know this your expectation profoundly determines what you will receive in this life you GET to live (an expectancy on God, minus selfish ambition) . Because I already had my position in leadership, my accountability to Pastor Casey and Charlotte, my connect group, my disciples, my prayer life, my areas of serving, my passion, etc I knew this would be a deep work that would form my character, strengthen my maturity, and tune my life in closer to the Holy Spirit. All those things would be refined, corrected, tested, but there was something more I couldn't place my finger on. Every experience opened up another door, took me in a little closer, opened my eyes a little wider, broke open old wounds and strengthened me, showed me things I never knew I'd see, oh my goodness I can't describe what I want so badly to say! And I'm looking back at all the things I went through, each revelation it produced to show me what it meant for my life, my future. And Pastor Casey was right when he said there's something you'll get in interns you can't get anywhere else-- there's things that will happen in interns that take most Christians years, if not their whole lives to receive. This is how it feels................................................................. beautifully indescribable but described inside of myself in a way that leaves me amazed and in awe. These vital parts of my identity could have taken me decades to attain, but now they are mine and I will use them to advance the kingdom of God in every way possible.

bruised knees.

1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

That feeling like maybe you weren't thinking hard enough. Time to clear out some time, take a breather, and focus in a little harder. My heart just keeps beating faster and faster. In actuality and truth tonight we were running, hardly but enough to get away from them; and here I was heart pounding no breath but enough to barely scrape by. Who'd thought maybe the way I somehow comprehended (or interpreted) these recent experiences would manifest physically. They'll have no remedy for this diagnosis, so I'll keep pouring out the blood of Jesus all over me. I keep placing that bottle of man-made remedies from surface to surface...yet to break the seal and use. Do you think it will help? I do confide, it hurts, but praying, praying, and seeking I need more substance than a few slippery pills. They'll take pictures of my heart in the coming days, but will it capture the source of each beat, the motivation to keep that blood pumping? Lately I just know I'm alive. But I want to pull out this life of mine under a bright light and start marking it up. Colors, colors, brightly colored markers. Lines, circles, x's, notes, the way I see it and the way I'll go about exploring, revising, and continuing. And I kept looking all around but in familiar comfort I knew exactly where my gaze would reside. I couldn't really even be afraid even though I knew we were running. Maybe I'd just laugh at capture, I somehow wish someone was recording me tonight....and even my insides. I'd like to understand myself too. And now I am back at home in the quiet of the night, secluded but not alone. I know YOU'RE hearing me Jesus, I'm going to keep talking. In some shape or form I realize every person on this earth will have to feel this at one point or another. Created uniquely but some things we are not divided from, we can all have in common. Perhaps....unfortunately, this is not a heart to heart and I will go no further in explanation as to what it is I mean.

so i deleted half the stuff i wrote....

I was thinking that....
The sting of persecution dulls with the medication of truth.
I trust this was defining, simple yet impacting.

[H E A R T -blessed are the pure in]
[[GOD-for they shall see]]

if we see Him, we must be able to gain more understanding of how He looks at us. && as we see Him.....our own eyes in unity with His? Do we begin to see like He sees--- I believe we do. Catching that glimpse, or observing without limit is all up to the extent of our purity. What gritty things we frequently let get between us and God.... from the small to big, impurity is impurity....and scratch the sexual purity cliche---purity hits the bone...extends over everything we are, it's often more than we fathom.

EmergencyRoom.

beautiful feet.

Friday through Saturday I had the privilege of going on a mission trip to downtown San Diego. A trip, 20 minutes from home. And it was life changing. It's so true when people say don't go to the nations before you go to the nation your in, or don't try to jump ahead in ministry until you handle what's in front of you. I was pretty excited to go reach out to the homeless people of downtown. I didn't know what to expect, and I've always had a heart for homeless people- and I wanted more compassion for who they were as individuals, and not the group they've all been classified under. It was beautifully eye opening to sit in the dirt with them and develop relationship over charity.
Something God was speaking to me: Romans 10:15
NKJV: And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “ How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!”
ESV: And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written,"How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!"
NLT: And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!"

It was like stepping into another world. And once again I opened my eyes to something. When you think about the government, law enforcers, businessmen, and people who inhabit the downtown area and even the visitors, tourists, etc- most of them (us) have a rotten taste in our mouths towards the homeless. We can walk past in our nice clothes on our way to buy something we don't need (and hey work hard, and buy what you want, it's all good) & give no thought to the old man sitting up against a wall. They've begun to push the homeless as far (East i believe) as they could. They've become an annoyance, a dirtying of the streets, and less than the worth of your average every day human- to the eyes of most. All in all our sin and weaknesses are lackings are equal, have we forgotten that? We all know money, careers, things, don't make us, but do we really know that? And as this wasn't just another trip to downtown, walking past those people who "only want your money for drugs or alcohol" I began to see something different.

Some things certain homeless people said to me that stuck:

"It's not so much as what you bring to us, but that you bring yourselves"
"Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean I'm not smart..... I love to read books about quantum physics"
"Your like an angel, I really do appreciate what you guys are doing for us"
"Take those to someone else who needs them more than me". (food, sanitizing products)


They were all beautiful people, with lives like my own and those I know- but now living in a way I find hard to imagine. I met a man who'd been on the streets for 18 years, an ex-voiceover artist and talk show host who starred in the spacejam movie as marvin the martian, a guy who called himself elvis & his wife who sang us some of the songs he'd written for her, a lady who had come to be homeless because of her addiction to heroine, a man who was part of the last generations of African Americans to live in slavery in the US, a man who hadn't seen his children for years- some graduates of berkley and other colleges and universities- off to be doctors, etc. So many people, voices, faces, stories- their friendships formed in the common bond of having lost all. It was amazing how the cliche of what most people describe the attitudes of homeless people and the cause of how they got there was broken down when you actually talked to them. I talked to many people with lovely hearts, broken hearts, bitter hearts, empty hearts, happy hearts------- but not homeless hearts. And something else, they loved to be smiled at, to shake our hands, to be asked questions, to laugh. It wasn't about pity and charity- and what I could give to them materiastically- although they greatly appreciated hygene products and food- they wanted something more along the lines of unmerited love. God loves them so much, I began to feel that as I was with them. Even to just sit and let them talk, and to just listen- I could tell how much it meant to them.

We spent time this morning making mother's day cards. We got to show love to all the mothers with home made cards and red roses. Some of those mothers had been disowned by their children, or hadn't seen them in countless months, or even years. I remember this one lady, who sat in the middle of two men....while we were talking to the man named Oneil, I was watching her look through the things we gave her. She organized the soaps, hair ties, and miscellaneous things with a thankful look on her face, but then she picked up her mother's day card- and this genuine smile sneaked humbly across. She reached for the rose and smelled it. Small and simple things can soften the heart of stone, can heal the cuts and wounds, can bring hope. Rachel Hickson told us we were called to find treasure hidden in dark places. When you have a jewel you get it appraised for it's worth- someone carefully examines it at an intense magnification, but cleans it off first, and the worth is determined, a detailed report written. But gentle care and undivided attention is required to appraise it properly- and the person who does it must have invested into their knowledge of jewels to recognize its value. I think I found some real diamonds yesterday and today.

To do

Busy, but I'm determined to make the most of the free time I have. <3 So I've been thinking about what it is that I'd like to do or get accomplished.....in no particular order:

-Take up photography (((((((again)))))))
-Paint
-Read a book
-Brush up on my HTML skillzzz & do the Under Siege page over.
-Dust off my sewing machine & start working on the pile of things I have next to it.
-Get my guitars tuned
-Learn how to play the acoustic one
-Write in my blog more..(hey I'm getting good at this one!)
-Write, write, write
-Catch up on snail mail to the loved ones
-Transfer all my music to my laptop and update my ipod
-Have a real conversation with my dad (the flesh and blood one)...it's been months.
-Revise and add to the list of vision for my life
-GET MY PASSPORT!!
-Find a few friends to take an adventure downtown with me, walking around, taking buses, getting lost, & all that lovely stuff.
-Design on photoshop for fun outside of what needs to get done

Well I think I'm off to a good start.

L is for LIBERATION

"When the spirit of life comes inside of you it breaks every chain and the true identity of who you are cannot be kept in the grave". -Rachel Hickson

What a powerful weekend. It was crazy that two of the things God was speaking to me, she ended up preaching about. I love when that happens, my revelation being expanded and then released into breakthrough. 8 messages later....I am completely alive and in awe of God.

How faithful? He just keeps giving, He just keeps loving.
&& never stops.