hellooo again

haven't been able to update this blog in forev's... well life's all over the place....and so am I. In a good way though, in a really good way.

I know I need to start writing again.... well writing, singing, and creating... my heart weighs down so heavy when I don't do those things... I don't know how life can be without [art]...without being able to let out all that's bursting [inside of you]. I've been working a lot.... A LOT.... but a lot else is going on, a lot is passing by...and now more than ever is a drive inside of me to make the most of what I have, who I am, and what comes next. I have so much I want to express and share... and I'm genuinely excited to do just that in as many ways I can find out how to. Even so, that's a challenge.
Seasons don't come and go as frequent as our hearts long to tell us they do and will. For so much has been in this one season. This one season I know I will never be able to forget. It has taken me through some of the darkest points in my life; shown me the different shades of white to black- and oh how much more than just the one I had thought would define all else. It still lingers in a shade of charcoal grey slowly fading to a sea harbor afternoon lull... that kind of color you could easily fall asleep to. I think that is how it could best be described but the funny thing is this season is nothing like a sleeping one. It's a beautiful place to be when all of these shades are bringing forth new ones, there's no limit to what you've felt or feel....there's no place to file it all away under, it can't be classified...it's so much of all sorts...it's just in everything everywhere. It's that lulling color before the sun peaks and then proceeds to stretch through the clouds and open up to softer grays and whitest whites. I don't know how long it will take and what shadows will come and go... that cold feeling when the sun leaves and in those moments you count the seconds to see how long until it covers your skin with that feel good warmth once again..sometimes it seconds, others minutes, and even days. It can be a thrilling or irritating event on those afternoons where you find this to be true. Not fearful though, not horrifying though, not worthless or regrettable, not a falling out, not a short-coming, not anything like that...

I guess I'll leave with just that... no explanations really..

face to face

So taken back, unexpected- and a rush of blessing came through. My betrayals, sometimes are my truth clenched tight or buried deep. Despite the fact I have shared them with my beloved Jesus, the gash across my own heart is still very much a part of me. I don't often like to bring them up because living with them often seems enough, to me. God uses the right means to bring to us what we need..whether we know it or not.
No ultimatum, no expectation, no demand holds anything against this moment- because it's nothing I wanted, and it's better than I could have asked for.
When you finally hear something you need to hear- it's as if light is flooding into the windows of your own obliviously darkened spirit, as if your ears are so open and your hearing sound compose it's articulate and profound symphony for the very first time. It's a gift of simplicity, yet somehow so very unfathomable.
The very heart of my Father God, expressed through someone who had seen EVERYTHING, that I thought I suffered through alone. It broke me, completely caught me off guard... it healed me.



His ways are not mine.
His thoughts are not mine.
His heart, is mine.

enough said.

safety deposit box.

I am so filled up. In all my brokenness I never pictured God coming so close, so near, with so much love. I know so much about my savior, I believe so deeply in His ability to take the worst of me and make it into something beautiful...but somewhere along the way- all that locked in the safety deposit box of my own heart..I stopped coming back to view it, to remind myself of what worth and value it was. God was stretching out His arms with a key He never wished to be crafted. Unlock this box. Take out your belongings. It's funny how even when you are in love you can be worlds apart from the one you love, and the true purpose for the way you live for and with each other.

I'm seeing my life so differently now. God is so tender in handling my life. He really has begun to reach to me on such a deep level, but so gently. I am operating out of a new grace. I am driven by such a real love. I feel like a new person. It all started when He began to tell me over and over and over that He would meet me where I was at.

I've been through so much my whole life, but especially the past 5 years or so. It's so crazy. It blows my mind what I've overcome, what I've endured, what I've held out hope for. And what I have now in my life I know I wouldn't trade it for the world. He's teaching me real relationship. He's showing me true leadership. He's communicating with me in real prayer. He's ministering to me with real love. Everything is so REAL. And it's not that it wasn't before. It's not that I wasn't before. But there is such depth now, and even in that...I'm only scratching the surface.

And now more than ever before in my life...I'm SO EXCITED to share God, to share Jesus, to bring the Holy Spirit with me to everyone! It's so real.

My passion. My ministry. My gifts. My life. I have a new understanding, and God is walking with me into something beautiful.

1:30 am.

i wonder.... well quite often i seem to do so. but i wonder what makes a question worth answering. i wonder what kinds of questions even God enjoys answering. He seems to be a mystery in so many ways to me. But maybe that's a good thing, I'm finding... He seems to get me awestruck. That's fine with me. I like to be amazed, especially if I'm unprepared.
I had to make some decisions as of lately. I like that. But it's interesting what people have to say about decisions, you know? Some say even the smallest decision will determine- where you live, who you marry, what you do, how you die. Some people say a small decision is just that, it's the big ones that count. I'm finding something as I go, and it's that I really don't have much of a clue when it comes to the grand scheme of everything. But for once in my life I'm at a place where, where my feet are standing is good for me. I've hit the ground a lot, I've hurt a lot, I've lost a lot, I've been betrayed a lot. But I've caught my breath... wind knocked out of me, bloody mouth in all.. it's nice to get to pick yourself up after it all. It's nice to know you have someone to cheer you on, don't get me wrong (and of course there were the faithful few to rough it out alongside of me)...but really God is the guy looking at me saying "it's just you and me kid"...isn't it beautiful though? Jesus has this way of black and white..this theme of simple...it's called you & Him.

cold night wasn't so cold...i look back now... i was on the phone... but someone else was calling from down the stairs... i can remember. i can see. it's funny how in the process of a memory you can tense up the exact way you did in the real moment... I had to make a decision. I had to stand off from the crowd and observe from my own point of view. There was lot of wind in my face, but it wasn't so cold.

words, words, words. and if we talked about decisions we might as well look at these vocal contributions.... people always have a lot to say about what they intended to say or what they meant to say, and Lord knows...what they could have said...but when it comes down to what needs to be said in the moment...how inarticulate are our mouths blessed to be

I've done a lot of thinking. About myself. About people. About family. About all these people floating around or out of my life. How drastically they've been able to affect me. People create decisions...people form words.... they're all so intertwined to the making of me whether they like it or not. The moment they walked into my life it was kind of a done deal. And of course v/v. So what.

and in the process of change.... the embarking of yet again something new... how the mind goes and turns and twists and weaves it's way through new dreams, inspirations, and unexplored heights. so much, my word, so much...sometimes i just have to stop answering calls....text messages i can hardly remember to reply to.... dates and times i find myself often asking for. there's a planner on the floor and a pen... but my mind it's elsewhere even as I cross these things off. browsing voicemails over checking emails mixed with a little bit of cleaning my room... it seems to explode with colors, fabrics, papers, receipts, journals, and who will ever put it away if I can't stay down to earth? i've been creating lately with butterflies in my stomach... i'm beginning to look at it all differently. there's peace in this chaos..because it's just art, life is art.

confusion and frustration. even negativity can bardge in where it's not welcome at times. this whole thing called "you" is a great something. bigger than you'd think. so it must be normal that it hurts at times. it must be part of the journey that you can't even feel a thing at times. a lot of this is smiles and tears and laughter and frowns and well it's you. feelings are a part of it all. but thank God it's not all to live by...thank God there's something more.

and as much as we go through, as much as we experience, as much as we pass on to others....there's still this excitement that it's only just the beginning.

sure we can know who we are. of course we can have a word or sense or knowledge of what we're supposed to do. but that does not guarantee a single thing. it doesn't ensure that things will play out the way you drew them on the back of napkin sitting at denny's, or in your sketchbook on the couch at home. God's grand at meeting you where you are at. God is gracious at putting life into your hands. But what you have and what you understand of what you have, is often different then what He sees and knows of it.. so yeah I realize I'm going to need that camera to capture my God-given life, and yeah I'll need those band-aids for the bloody messes, and pages and pages and pages to jot down all my findings down. I'm happy for my experiences. I'm not regretting even the times that felt dark. I'm increasingly thankful of what I've been through and who I'm becoming.

"who knows where the road will lead us only a fool would say."

everything is changing. so much is unexplainable. Someone told me recently, "you'll have a lot of people telling you what you should do with your life"...no kidding.
But it's coming down to me and God. And that's a nice thing. Simply refreshing and peaceful, and I'm back to the drawing board dreaming with Him. We're flipping back the pages of the book He started with me, & it's a good feeling worth everything it took to stand at this point and see. There's no regret on my side, and so much love coming from His.


Hebrews 12:2
NKJV: looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith
NCV: Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect.
GWT: We must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith.
NIV: Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith

what a dream.

i'd thought about you casually...a glance of memory spacing throughout my day the other day....and then out of nowhere this colorful dream of exciting events. only to wake up and realize it was all faux and fleeting.

it's funny how you can remember something so vague...and it just sticks with you. things with such little involvement...and how it sparks something inside of you.

places, people, words, things.....a non-vital instant that duplicates itself in the weirdest ways.



idk. maybe it's just me.
but it was some dream.

like a 5th grade level reading book, a story that comes to life as crazy as alice & wonderland or The Phantom Toolbooth. and you feel like a child all over again, without striving.